The ugly truth.

Hello whoever reads this,

I know it's been a while, and I really don't feel like apologizing for it.

Today (or yesterday) I ended up deciding I wasn't going to sleep for the night. I spent the past 2 days doing nothing with my life, as usual, I just sat around and hid behind a computer because to be honest my mind gets unbearable when I unleash it.
I realised I spend so much time covering up whatever is wrong with me that when it's time to look for it (as to fix it) I have a hard time finding it. Or should I say admitting it, right?
But what's one to do when you're this unhappy on how things turned out huh?
Either complain, fix what's wrong, or completely ignore something's wrong hoping one day you would have pretended for so long whatever was wrong would actually magically dissapear. So I guess I've been on the ignoring stage lately. And by lately I'm not sure if i mean this past 8, almost 9 months or if i mean the past 3 years all together. I wish I knew where along this life I let all those demons and criticism get the best out of me as to convince me so much that I'm not good enough that I actually even doubt what my calling is.

And as for complaining, don't we all? I think the majority of society complains and the majority of that majority does it more out of habit than out of having an actual real reason for it. Something that to me is one giant problem, I'm sure for somebody else is something as tiny as a pinky fingernail.

As for fixing what's wrong..honestly, I keep thinking and thinking and I honestly always end up with the same answer: I have no clue how. Not a single one. I mean, I did play with different alternatives hoping to get to the right answer but still.. so far I don't feel like I've made that much progress. I feel stuck, that's for sure.
It's funny though and at the risk of making this another of my lame posts, but I used to recognize when I was beating myself down, and I could argue with myself about it as to show myself the good things I've acomplished. Well lately it seems I can't notice any of that, or if I do.. since I haven't added much to that list lately, it doesn't feel like an accomplishment but more like more failures.

Tonight I did one of the girliest things I've done in a while now, I stayed up all night simply because I wanted to finish watching the oh so girly tvshow I was caught up into.. Dawson's creek.
Yes people, I am that lame sometimes.
But I gotta say, that tvshow got to me that's for one. For 2nd.. It made me cry. And right there while crying I realised I couldn't care less about the tvshow, I just needed an excuse to cry it all out
Funny thing is, I had so many reasons to cry I forgot why I was crying. I just felt this pain, this unbearable pain..something I feel in the back of my eyes, and my throat closing on me making even my chest hurt. That pain that means you don't only cry because you're sad or because you're stressed. You cry out of anguish and that is what hurts the most. That is what has been making me feel like curling up in a ball and sleeping forever lately.
I guess somewhere along the way I lost my hope, I have no future to look forward to, nothing to keep me going every single day not even a remote hope of reaching something unreachable LOL like all my goals really.. pretty unreachable. I wish I still had that, as utopic and stupid as it sounds.

I know this is nothing but me babbling and I'm not getting anywhere with this. I guess I just needed to let this out, Share it

Now I'm gonna go, I'm gonna turn on the tv so I can't hear myself thinking as loud, and I'll get myself busy doing something mechanical as cleaning. Trying to put off my mind how damaged I feel I am. Maybe I'll just forget about all of this one day and will be able to come up with a goal that will give me a reason to do things every day. Maybe I'll recover my soul one day.

Thanks for listening, or reading..

Wish me luck?

:)