whenyou'rebored

30 Days challenge Day 4-

2011-04-28T04:12:00.002-03:00

"Your views on Religion"

I guess if i had to define my views on religion in one word that word would simply be "unsure". By this I mean yes at this point in my life I'm unsure of what my view on religion is.

The whole debate of whether god does or doesn't exist is something I left behind around a year ago when I had to stand hours upon hours of atheist people making atheism sound like a religion (the religion of believing that there is no god and it's all a scam to take advantage of people).
I was raised in a Catholic family, and as such I was active in church at a very young age. The stories I was taught at church, being as I was -around 7 years old- I didn't fully comprehend them and took it merely as someone wiser - a.k.a adult person in charge- teaching me something that was factual. I didn't really analize it further than that, I just sorta took it, accept it, embraced it and moved on. Church was for me a way to interact with people my age in a healthy enviroment and to run from home when I didn't like what was going on there, like the money issues my family was going through and such. Church gave me comfort in those moments so I just embraced that (once again) without really looking at the bigger picture - again, i was too young-

Later on as I was getting my education, more and more things about the "church" let me down. Making my decision not to devote my time in it anymore as I lost respect for it.
At that moment of my life was when I started being unsure about gods existance, I thought if i didn't believe in the church that maybe that also meant I didn't believe in god. But to be honest, I knew I believed in something, call it god, call it greater spirit, call it whatever you want I had faith and believes.

So I reached a point where I would say to people, I believe in god I just don't believe in the burocracy that implies the instution behind it, I believe in god but I don't believe in the pope, the vatican, churchs and priests. And who could blame me.. I mean you only have history to back up some nasty things they've done "in the name of god".

So yes. After several experiences in my life, after hearing the other side of the bell LOL for many hours :P I came to the conclusion that I believe in something but I'm not sure I can put it under any religion category.

I believe that people need to believe in something greater than themselves. I believe that believing in something, a greater being watching over us, gives us hope, and comfort. Makes us feel better when we're feeling down and makes us re think things sometimes. It's a sharp knife as it's a risky tool on those that go overboard with it (call it fanatics) but yes. The thought of heaven, or an afterlife or even re-incarnation make the mourning process of dealing with a close deceased a lot easier. The thought of someone watching over you when you feel like there's no way around things or that nothing's working out gives you hope that maybe something better and brighter is just around the corner for you. The sentence of "god has greater plans for you" is inspirational for you not to give up and to have faith that things will eventually turn out for the better.

I think that whether or not God exists, doesn't even matter. I think that what's important is that we have to keep a positive attitude towards things, not give up and have faith if it's not in ourselves, in whatever we can that would help us go through life.

So for me, I'm not sure God exists, but I would love to think it does. So if he exists, awesome. if not, he exists in my mind. Because I need to rely on something greater than any person. I need to think that everything will be ok, that everything happens for a reason and that what's meant to be will simply be. I need to rely on things like that so I choose to think this way. and no scientific, no guy with babbling on dates or innacurancies in the bible will make me change how I feel.

I wish we could all rely on the power of love, I wish Love was our religion, just loving one another and not wanting to hurt one another. But I think we're not ready for that yet. That reminds me of a book I wish I could re read (it's at my parents house, i'll get it back from them next week)

http://www.godsdirectcontact.org/eng/news/166/bk1.htm

30 Days challenge Day 3 -

2011-04-25T04:50:00.003-03:00

"Your views on drugs and alcohol"

I've been thinking about this one for about 2 days now.. I either wanted to avoid the question all together or just give a blunt answer because that's how I feel about the subject all together. But to be honest, I would say on a matter of alcohol.. it depends. On a matter of drugs, it depends on what you consider drugs but if we're talking about drugs (by this I mean cocaine or anything harder than that) I, at this moment of my life, came to the following conclusion:
"Drugs screw everything".

That's it. That's what I think about it.
But maybe before saying this I should give you guys some background on me, what I see on a daily basis and Why I came to this conclusion.
1: I haven't done any drugs on my entire life. (no weed, no cocaine, no pills, not even regular cigarrettes if you even count those as drugs)
2: I do drink.. but it's not on a daily basis, it's more like social drinking.
3: I work at a bar. Therefore, people get hard and heavy on cocaine (and sometimes pills too) every single fucking day. And they consider me their friend so I openly see everything that goes on.

I see people that could be doing great things with their life, be so unhappy about their jobs and their routines that they take cocaine or whatever else to keep going. I see the deals with the dealers, and I see the insane amount of times they go to the bathroom to "get a fix". I see them transform from cool people to robots that work and work (just like a robot, non stop) and when you ask them how they're doing they're either honest enough -or still conscious enough- to tell you they need to stop but cant or they're just so hype by the drugs they want you to believe they're doing awesome.
The need they feel is something I haven't seen in my entire life, and the withdrawl is even worse.. spending days without sleeping and all..

All in all what my thoughts on drugs and alcohol are:

Alcohol: If you do it in moderation and not on a daily basis: There's nothing wrong with it, as a social act and if you don't get to a point where you feel an addiction towards it. I mean, the way i see it, there's nothing better than a beer after a stressing day at work, to relax while talking things off with your friends and such

Drugs: Weed for what most people tell me is not as addictive and tons of people can do it without getting addicted to it. So again, if you like the sensation it gives you and you do it socially, without feeling a NEED to smoke a blunt.. then go for it.
Anything else:Just STAY AWAY.

More and more each day I'm seeing my co workers destroying their lives with the use and abuse of drugs.. I can tell you it's not a happy road and it's really hard to get back on your feet once you fell for that one. So my advice: Just Stay the fuck away from that shit dude!!!

I everyday that go to work thank god for giving me this blessing under which I don't feel tempted by any of this. I sometimes though, get pretty affected by seeing them do what they do and kinda hide in the bathroom to try not to lose control or cry because to an extent it hurts me a lot to see how deep in addiction they are and how it's so hard for them to not be on drugs even if they try.

So yea, this is my reality and my view on both drugs and alcohol.
I pretty much wish cocaine, heroin and everything else along that line didn't exist. I don't know if the world would be a happier place, but I would but happier not to see the people I love fall under such things as drugs and actually do something good for themselves and their lives.

Song Challenge Day2

2011-04-24T05:44:00.002-03:00

Day 02 - your least favorite song

I'm not sure I feel like saying much rightnow so I'm just going to post the first song that comes to my brain when i think about my least favorite song.. and by this i mean: Out of all my favorites, the least favorite one :P .. hopefully that will make sense!

Song Challenge day1

2011-04-21T16:46:00.004-03:00

"Your favorite song"

Since this isn't facebook, no one reads and therefore no one gets spammed with notifications, I'm gonna display a few and not just one. Because it's really hard to narrow it down to just one.

In no particular order:

Kevin Johansen: "Timing"

Fiona Apple: "Across the universe" (cover)

Calle 13: "La vuelta al mundo"

Mika: "Lollipop"

Counting Crows: "Rain King"

Alicia Keys & Jay-Z : "Empire state of mind" (just because it reminds me of my travelling ideas and how much I'll enjoy NYC once I'm there :P )

Nas: "Hip hop is dead"

When Insomnia Hits for the better.

2011-04-20T07:33:00.009-03:00

Hey! Yes, I think I'm getting more used to blogging now :)

So tonight, I'm not doing the 30 Day challenge thingy. Reason being that today's topic was "drugs" and I seriously had enough of that talk, drama and crappiness at work I don't even want my brain to go back to that train of thought rightnow.

Instead I'm going to share a little of what my last monday was :)
So, I'm off work on Mondays (have been for the past 2 months) so it became an habit to go out to this awesome hip hop - 90s music - classic rock - full of tourists and locals party on mondays :) .. That's actually where I met this guy I'm seeing now (LOL now.. just till the 27 *read 30 day challenge day 1 =/ * )
Last monday for the first time in 2 months I didn't go out to this party. In fact, I didn't go out at all! I came back from class, I took a shower, made dinner and had dinner at 1 am while watching online tv. I was bummed at first that I was staying home when I could be partying, having beers and chilling but then as the night continued I thought "Ok, maybe for once I will go sleep early tonight"

No no, LOL going to sleep at a "close to normal" hour is def not for me! Instead of getting sleepy, I got insomniac! LOL once I realised of the fact I was completely awake and insomniac at 5 am I said to myself ok, at least this time I'll make it productive!.. and I started tidying up my super super messy room

Now, pretty much nobody saw my messy room as I think in a way it reflects the way I am rightnow and the way the thoughts in my head are. My roomate told me once I should have things in order so I could think clearer. And I couldn't agree more! It's just that 1) I sleep too much -when i sleep- 2) I lack energy most of the times and 3) It kinda feel likes this was my own hole where I could bury myself in and it would eat me and my problems all in one..

Anyway, following my roomate's advice and trying to continue with the changes for the better.. here is the before and after (sooo glad my friends in Buenos aires dont read this blog :P !)

Before: After: After: and more after:

Sorry for the crappy quality on the pics, I took them with my phone :) So yea.. booo on having insomnia but yay on making something good out of it! .. Now it's 8 am so I think I'm gonna force myself to sleep again!

And yes! Pink is my favorite color :P (in case it didn't show) I overuse Youtube and I just started reading "Lasher" in english..

nightynight!

Another 30 day thingy!

2011-04-20T07:05:00.005-03:00

30- Day Song Challenge!!

I found this on facebook and as it seems that these things keep me posting on here I thought I would give it a try! :)

So here's the 30 days list :) Here we go!

Day 01 - your favorite song
Day 02 - your least favorite song
Day 03 - a song that makes you happy
Day 04 - a song that makes you sad
Day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
Day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
Day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
Day 09 - a song that you can dance to
Day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11 - a song from your favorite band
Day 12 - a song from a band you hate
Day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 - a song that describes you
Day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19 - a song from your favorite album
Day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
Day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
Day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
Day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
Day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29 - a song from your childhood
Day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Day 02 - Where you'ld like to be in 10 years.

2011-04-19T06:14:00.005-03:00

"Where you would like to be in 10 years"

Easiest question. Yet I have more than one answer to it.

Preferable: Travelling around the world. Working on? Doesn't really matter, as long as i'm not completely broke (being poor and trying to see the world at the same time wouldn't be as enjoyable right?) and I get the chance to see as many countries as I can.

♦ Another Option: A really good one! New York City.
I don't know yet if i see myself actually living there for such a long time (as a 10 year period). The way I think of NYC is like, awesome place to see tons of things, but more like a continuation of my life in B.A really.
Because of how big and crowded of a city it is and how it has the same sense of people always being late to places, walking super fast, dealing with traffic jams LOL Stuff like that stresses you. When I'm 36 I might be too old and cranky to stand it on a daily bases and for a long time :P
Doing what? I'm not sure! Maybe working in something random, maybe working in something dance related (that would be better) maybe in love, with a baby on the way (yes, one of my alternatives is having a baby at age 35).

♦ Option numero 3:San Diego!

Doing what? Same thing as in NYC. Whatever life leads me to do. Reason: Because I always wanted to live in a city with a beach and I think San Diego is absolutely beautiful and fits the purpose. I know I could live there because no matter how crappy my day could be, living in a place with an awesome landscape that is so accesible would make any day brighter. :)

♦ Option number 4: My hometown Rosario.BUT! After doing option number1.

Yes. I think after travelling the world and seeing many many many many places I WOULD actually go back to my hometown and settle there. It's a beautiful city, full of beautiful places, beautiful people on which I can rely on and who knows? Maybe create something good, like my own travel agency, ballet company, Dance Studio, a program for exchange students to go study there and see how beautiful my city is.. anything. So yea, Rosario. Only after travelling the world :)

Day 02 - Where you'ld like to be in 10 years.

2011-04-19T06:14:00.000-03:00

Day 01 - Your current relationship status.

2011-04-15T17:54:00.006-03:00

"Your current Relationship Status. If single, discuss how your single life is."

My relationship status: Undefined. Single. As per lack of a better term.

By now I think my single life and I have a relationship on their own. Life being single is definitely a rollercoaster and for me it hit many stages since though I have not dated as much (or maybe "as much as -average people my age- ") I still am a character that stopped being used to being single a long time ago.

Here's a summary:

*The breakup.

* "Yay I'm SINGLE!! I owe nobody anything. I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT!!" Unlimited freedom and feeling of having the power to do everything, anything, whenever, however and without letting anybody know.

*Getting back to the friends I sort of put aside to spend time with my bf. Re discovering how friendship is the best in the world. Best family you could every ask for. Because you choose every member of it.

*Re discovering activities. Going out like you're an average 17 kid (i was un-average nerd and didnt go out at my teen years, I had tons to catch up). Re discovering music styles, dancing styles (dancefloor dancing, not ballet :P ) .. And the joy of socially drinking :)

* (months later) Missing the company of someone (a lover, not a friend) that truly means something to you. Cherishing those that know you enough to like you for YOU. and NOT your ass.

*Going out some more. Making new friends. Anything to hide the fact you kinda feel lonely when there are no roomates around and the overthinking kicks in.

*Plans. Plans keeps us moving, brains busy, eyes on the goal. Making plans and thinking " Even if i wanted a Boyfriend rightnow - which pff of course I don't - I don't have time for a boyfriend rightnow. It would fuck with all the things I'm planning for my life. - YES. Convincing myself that a Boyfriend would be an unconvinience at this point. Cuz there's still much to see and much to do to go and settle with someone.

* Going out with guys that are either going to leave the country, not boyfriend material, or both. Just because of the reason mentioned above. PLANS to stick to.

And that's about it. It kinda ends there so far, at this point I'm obviously on the last point with the addition that with this "undateable" guy I would actually screw my plans cuz I like him better than any other hook up. But oh well.. Life being single.. it's a tangling thing, it sure is fun, but you of course at some point wonder when it will end and kinda wish that time will come with something suuuuuper good (good abs, good butt, good sense of humor and A-wesome sex xD )

30 Days challenge introduced!

2011-04-15T17:50:00.002-03:00

I found this on a friend's blog and thought it would be a good idea to get me back to writing stuff on here, not only for whoever reads but for my own therapy (as always).. So here we go! :)

The ugly truth.

2010-09-06T07:45:00.004-03:00

Hello whoever reads this,

I know it's been a while, and I really don't feel like apologizing for it.

Today (or yesterday) I ended up deciding I wasn't going to sleep for the night. I spent the past 2 days doing nothing with my life, as usual, I just sat around and hid behind a computer because to be honest my mind gets unbearable when I unleash it.
I realised I spend so much time covering up whatever is wrong with me that when it's time to look for it (as to fix it) I have a hard time finding it. Or should I say admitting it, right?
But what's one to do when you're this unhappy on how things turned out huh?
Either complain, fix what's wrong, or completely ignore something's wrong hoping one day you would have pretended for so long whatever was wrong would actually magically dissapear. So I guess I've been on the ignoring stage lately. And by lately I'm not sure if i mean this past 8, almost 9 months or if i mean the past 3 years all together. I wish I knew where along this life I let all those demons and criticism get the best out of me as to convince me so much that I'm not good enough that I actually even doubt what my calling is.

And as for complaining, don't we all? I think the majority of society complains and the majority of that majority does it more out of habit than out of having an actual real reason for it. Something that to me is one giant problem, I'm sure for somebody else is something as tiny as a pinky fingernail.

As for fixing what's wrong..honestly, I keep thinking and thinking and I honestly always end up with the same answer: I have no clue how. Not a single one. I mean, I did play with different alternatives hoping to get to the right answer but still.. so far I don't feel like I've made that much progress. I feel stuck, that's for sure.
It's funny though and at the risk of making this another of my lame posts, but I used to recognize when I was beating myself down, and I could argue with myself about it as to show myself the good things I've acomplished. Well lately it seems I can't notice any of that, or if I do.. since I haven't added much to that list lately, it doesn't feel like an accomplishment but more like more failures.

Tonight I did one of the girliest things I've done in a while now, I stayed up all night simply because I wanted to finish watching the oh so girly tvshow I was caught up into.. Dawson's creek.
Yes people, I am that lame sometimes.
But I gotta say, that tvshow got to me that's for one. For 2nd.. It made me cry. And right there while crying I realised I couldn't care less about the tvshow, I just needed an excuse to cry it all out
Funny thing is, I had so many reasons to cry I forgot why I was crying. I just felt this pain, this unbearable pain..something I feel in the back of my eyes, and my throat closing on me making even my chest hurt. That pain that means you don't only cry because you're sad or because you're stressed. You cry out of anguish and that is what hurts the most. That is what has been making me feel like curling up in a ball and sleeping forever lately.
I guess somewhere along the way I lost my hope, I have no future to look forward to, nothing to keep me going every single day not even a remote hope of reaching something unreachable LOL like all my goals really.. pretty unreachable. I wish I still had that, as utopic and stupid as it sounds.

I know this is nothing but me babbling and I'm not getting anywhere with this. I guess I just needed to let this out, Share it

Now I'm gonna go, I'm gonna turn on the tv so I can't hear myself thinking as loud, and I'll get myself busy doing something mechanical as cleaning. Trying to put off my mind how damaged I feel I am. Maybe I'll just forget about all of this one day and will be able to come up with a goal that will give me a reason to do things every day. Maybe I'll recover my soul one day.

Thanks for listening, or reading..

Wish me luck?

:)

.59 - Decisions? Or lack of..

2010-06-27T10:44:00.006-03:00

Sometimes we know some things are better off buried and locked away. Still we feel the need to digg enough to have them right in front our faces. Amazing huh?

We get the warning, don't go there.. don't open that file, don't play that song.. stop, turn off the monitor and walk away.. still we ignore it and keep going. We know it will hurt us, but we just can't help it.
For all of those that feel included on this.. WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
Sometimes I think this is just "being weak" some other times I think there's a lot more to it, but I really am afraid to analyze it further. LOL Silly right? I know, sometimes it scares me what I can find out about myself.

Today I think I'm trapped, lol i feel I live in a paralel dimension.. My life doesn't seem to be a straight line, not even a bumpy curvy line for the matter.. It's just a biiiiiiig oval or circle..Always returning to the same spot.
I return to this bold point, where things seem to start off again, and I can't help it. I can't break free..
I say ok, another chance to you. Is it because I really want to give you another chance? or is it because I am still not ready to break the circle and move out of it? I don't know.
All i know is that here I am again, putting my hopes on things somebody else is supposed to do. Feeling things I thought were long gone and dead. Seeing how future with someone near just died, just because I agreed and considered this 2nd chance. 2nd chance for him? More like 10000 chance for myself. Because I can't let go of this idea.. of getting something that's so hard to get.
I wonder if after I do get it (if i ever) if I will be as interested as I have always been on it.. Let's hope so. LOL If not, it's gonna be a waste of pretty much half my life, not to mention other people's lifes, time and effort.

Yesterday I had the "I'm gonna do what I was supposed to do back when I was 19, but this time it will work". If i was smart, I should have said, it didn't work then.. I'm not gonna get my hopes up for it now. But since I am not smart, I pretty much said I trust that now that you're older and more mature, you WILL make it work. Here's your whatever number chance.. take it. I'm here, waiting for you one more time, with open arms and a smile on my face.

If whoever reads this (i think no one but whatever) sees him/her self in this position... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD (even if you don't believe in a god).. THINK. Think before you answer.. Don't go for the first thing that your heart tells you unless you're ready and set in your heart to be dissapointed again.
Me? I already played all my cards. I don't think anybody can break me and tear me down like he did.. so i think .. again? Alright, bring it! How much MORE damage can you do? I'm ready to take it all baby. Come on, hurt me if you want.. if you happen to not hurt me this time.. then (sad but true) then I'll be surprised. If you do hurt me.. meh.. I should have seen it coming, it's typically you.

And I know I'm not leaving the other person standing in a good position but you know what? He had that coming. I should let go of all that crap sometime.. but until I see prove that things are different.. I will not. For my own sake I'll hang to it, as to remind myself of what he's capable and be ready to go through it again till I learn sometimes there IS such a thing as TOO MANY second chances.

I guess we'll see how it goes..

As for now.. It's world cup time!!

Germany-England..

Who's your favorite?
Who would you rather win?

I don't know :S I just hope we beat Mexico later this afternoon :).. after that, either Germany or England I'm sure will give us an interesting match.

So long, Sayonara!

.58-- It's been a while..

2010-06-26T21:14:00.004-03:00

It's been a while since my last post here..
I have actually been busy, just living.. trying to figure out what the hell I want for my life..
Funny enough, I play hip hop a lot more now .. it gives me energy for some reason :) makes me feel good and all =)

So yea, boyfriend who I thought I would be with for a long time, is apparently gone finally, it was difficult for him to let go, but I think i finally got him to stop stalking me. And don't get me wrong.. I'm not a hypocrite, it's just that you know.. no need to stick around. He didn't do what he had to do when it was time, I let slide so many things I can't even believe it so.. time for you to fly baby boy!
The more I think about it all, the more I understand why I was with him and at the same time I get in which sense we wouldn't have worked out.
I think in some twisted way I wanted things to be over, If we actually did happen I would have had to change tons of things about myself I'm not sure I was ready to change nor give up.

57.

2010-03-24T15:40:00.004-03:00

Listening to Missy Elliot puts me in a good mood :)

The flu (or whatever this is) is a little bit better though yesterday at work was soooo unbearable i almost leave early.

Future looks promising, I still find it hard to fall into reality of all the things that are happening to me in so little time.

But you know what? I say, changes? Go for it! What could go wrong? Everything. What could go awesome? EVERYTHING. So, better take the chances while they appear..

Oh Man Missy! If this doesn't make you feel like dancing and seducing and singing and clapping, then I dunno what would..

And boys wanna play with me, and they think they can trick me into doing whatever they want me to do.. But they don't know I know my game all too well. I will do whatever the hell I want and there's nothing they can do to change that.
I'll always get it my way.. Just because, hey it's me! I'm not saying I'm the shit.. but I do have personality to fight back and not let you do whatever you want.. Unles of course, that we want the same ;)

It's funny though.. how they can smell it LOL I don't know what it is but they can tell. Actually I do know what its.. I mean, I gave all the right hints.. don't think I wasn't aware. I gave all the hints to let everybody know what's up. And they took that and spiced things up a little bit.

So now I feel harrased but i'm not gonna lie, it's fun. It's been always fun to play with fire. Even if you get burn.

So yea, as for entry of the day.. this is it. A little bit of rambling from my part :P

I can't wait to move out! LOL that's gonna be so awesome! LOL i feel like I always talk about the same things xD

To do list:
• Tell you stories about the beach
• Tell you stories about Ushuaia and my trip
•Umm write the recipe to wake up in a good mood (that would prolly have various variations but i think it could be fun)

It is so freaking amazing how music affects in the moods or the other way around.. Sometimes I think depending on my current mood I chose what I wanna listen to, and some other times I just put this on shuffle and I see how my moods transform depending on which song is playing. And I think, wow music is such a powerful thing! We take it for granted sometimes just because we've had it for so long (history wise) but .. I honestly don't know what I would do without it.

I thank music for being my mind trick (and even that, is from a song).
I thank music for helping me get through stuff, either by cheering me up and making me forget, or by helping me embrace my feelings even more with its melody.
I thank music for being my constant companion. No matter what or where.
I thank music for being on my mind without complaining.
I thank music for existing, developing and growing a little bit more each day.
I thank music for opening my mind to new horizons, for teaching me there's always something left to learn.
For all of that and more, I wanna say..

Music, I love you. ♥

56.

2010-03-23T12:39:00.003-03:00

Layout nuevo, posteo nuevo. :)

Iba a escribir algo copado pero anoche con el tema del layout se me fue la inspiración :P

Asi que ¿Qué les puedo contar?

• El lugar donde trabajo cierra asi que prontamente seré despedida sin causa. La verdad, hace rato que quería cambiar de trabajo asi que esto me viene bien. Aunque por otro lado.. hace 3 años que trabajo para esta gente y sé que hay millones millones de cosas que voy a extrañar. =/.. Gente, situaciones, cosas de la vidad cotidiana que ya no vamos a tener.. Pero bueno, todo es parte del cambio. Hay que bancarsela sabiendo que siempre lo que viene será mejor.

• Creo que me estoy por agarrar alguna peste.. me duele la garganta.
• Me mudo con un amigo y tengo que llamar a la mujer que me daria la garantia pero me da cosa porque hace mucho que no la llamo y tengo miedo que me reclame.

• No tengo ganas de moverme. Tendria que hacer esto, y lo otro y lo de demás alla.. y no me quiero mover de esta silla. La música no ayuda tampoco... Ay dios!

• Soy una idiota en tantos sentidos! Y la gente me dice que no, que yo la tengo re clara.. que yo soy una mina sencilla y facil de llevar.. y lo unico que yo puedo pensar es "DONDEEE???" No veo eso que me dicen pero ni en lo más mínimo eh!

• Y vivo extrañando a Joe. VIVO extrañandolo aunque trato de bloquear el pensamiento tooooodo el dia.. a veces es simplemente insoportable. Logro olvidarme, y pensar en las cosas buenas que vienen.. y en una fracción de segundo algo cruza mi mente y chan, ya esta! me pegó el bajon de vuelta. Me volví a acordar que a esta altura del año si todo hubiera salido bien, todo seria tan distinto.. en fin..

• Y para no pensar en eso, gasto energia en otros/otras cosas. Y sé, porque no soy idiota, que estoy gastando energia en gente no muy valiosa pero no puedo evitar necesitar una distracción.

Es increible como a veces, por más que sepamos que quien nos adula es un tremendo tonto que no vale ni 2 centavos, aún asi necesitamos ese adulamiento. Aún sabiendo, necesitamos esas miraditas de "oh que linda que sos" y esos gestos que se traducen en un simple "como te doy" aunque no sea cursi, ni romantico y mucho menos poético.. nos sube la autoestima. Nos hace sentir estupidamente bien.. y no podemos evitar sonreir.

Asi que asi estamos..

¿Qué será de este blog? ni yo lo sé la verdad.. supongo que lo que vaya surgiendo..

Por ahora será como viene siendo, un poquito un reflejo de lo que me va pasando.. de lo que voy haciendo.. un cachito de diario que se esconde dentro de mí. Sé que nadie nadie lee esto, y la verdad.. me gusta.

He dicho tantas versiones a la gente de mis relaciones o falta de o lo que sea.. simplemente porque era demasiado complicado de explicar, simplemente porque no tenia ganas de hablar al respecto o pensaba que nadie me iba a entender.. Que la verdad, me gusta que nadie lea esto (o por lo menos mis conocidos) y poder asi expresarme tranquila. sin tener que estar cubriendo nada de nadie.

Y si, tal vez no conté porque una parte de mi negaba todo lo que me estaba pasando.. tal vez una parte de mí no quería eso que la otra parte tan fervientemente reclamaba.. no lo sé. Lo único que sé es que siempre me costó sentirme cómoda hablando de mis relaciones, pasadas, presentes o futuras .

Me voy a seguir tomando mi tecito y *esperemos* hacer una de las tantas cosas que tengo que hacer por lo menos !

Ah necesito energia nuevamente!

55. Penguins..

2010-02-23T23:02:00.002-03:00

Short Post from Ushuaia..

I'm extremely tired as to type something clever.. I'll be back in B.A tomorrow night and then hopefully I'll be in the mood to just rant about this amazing trip.. Having a clock going backwards next to your computer doesn't help at all to write..

Anyway.. just stopping by..

This is what I saw today..

54. Good Morning Buenos Aires :)

2010-02-15T08:42:00.005-03:00

Que mejor para escribir.. que un poco de música tranqui.. Una taza de café recien hecho y una tostadita con queso y dulce de leche? No puedo encontrar algo que me ponga más en humor para escribir :)

What can I tell you guys?
Life has been treating me amazingly well lately! :)
I will start this off with mmm.. me changing my attitude? I think that was key..

We're gonna start this by doing a before and after :)

Before:
After:

Change in appearance = change in attitude :) You probably can't tell by the face but the attitude is brand new now :)

Once that was done.. step 2 : Do the things I wanted to do but I wouldn't, for whatever reasons..
-Go out with whoever I want
-Wear whatever I wanted to wear but wouldn't just because someone else said it didn't look so good on me.
- Go out and have Fun for real! Not just pretend to enjoy myself but actually enjoy myself to the fullest.
- Travel!
- Don't cut the night short with my friends when I'm having a good time.

And that is how things got rolling :)

I went to the beach for 4 days with a friend :) Get me some tan, disconnect from the internet and my life in Buenos Aires.. Just kinda relax by listening to the sound of the sea :)

I came back and made a huuuge b-day party with my friends :)

I planned my holidays in the south of Argentina :) Where I will be in 2 short days and for 9 amazing days :) I can not believe the beauty of the landscapes I'll have the oportunity to see!

I'm seriously thinking about making this blog a trip blog so you can all get a glimse of the beauty of the places I'm seeing lately.

Back to topic, my birthday party was by far the best one I had. Not only the music of the place we went was amazing (all 80s and 90s hits just like I like it) but also how much people showed up! It really did make me feel loved and cared about and truly happy to see them all. I had the chance to talk with everybody, dance with everybody and just be myself. And let some people see some side of me they're not used to see (people from work who only see my "serious" side hence the " " cuz.. I'm not really that serious anyway :P )

I used my time to recover friendships I have left aside for a while... I met my one and only uni friend and used the apt as the base for meetings.. the way it was always supposed to be.

I spent a whole day, night and then half of the following day here at the apt with my best friend, talking about life, cooking, eating, drinking, watching the back to the future saga ♥ Just being ourselves, enjoying our freedom and our friendship :)

Life is proving to have good things stored for me this year. I was offered a huge awesome job oportunity where I work.. and I don't wanna say much cuz I don't want anything to go wrong.. Buuuut I might spend the next month/s in a different country..so keep your fingers crossed for that... just saying..

And yea, that's how life has been for me so far I seriously can not complain. Oh and not to mention this boy I'm sorta "seeing" !! Lol sooo good to have someone living in the same city you live, working of the same, sharing some other things too :) .. He's been really cool and just rolling with me :). I know he can tell I come from a shady past and he's just letting me be for now so it's awesome to not have any sort of complications and just have fun =) I couldn't appreciate it more rightnow. So yea, we'll see what that thing turns into in some months I guess :) time will tell.. like always.

Keep on rocking people! Don't let anything let you down. You can overcome anything, you can accomplish anything. Just like Eminem says..

Baby don't feel the pain, just smile back! :)

Love! xoxoxo

Entry nº??? I lost count.. but whatever..

2010-02-04T06:11:00.002-03:00

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
--------------------------------------
Y hace 2 noches recaí. No quiero entrar en detalles porque se que me voy a volver a poner mal, pero vi algo que me hizo maquinar, tanto tanto que empecé a pensar en vos. Y en como todo cambió. Como yo pense que las cosas iban a pasar de determinada forma y no fue asi. No fue asi en absoluto. Y traté de salir de ese estado y sentirme mejor, y no pude. Resumí que lo unico que queria en ese momento era hablar con vos. Como amigo, saber como estabas, oir tu voz. Que me confortes como lo hacias tan bien cada vez que me agarraban ataques asi, cada vez que el no ser lo que soñé y proyecté que iba a ser a esta edad, me pegaba en la cara y de repente la realidad era muy insoportable.

Y te llamé.. aunque sabia que no ibas a atender.
Y me conecté solo para saber si estabas ahi, intenté hablarte aunque nunca contestaste.
Y si, se que no quiero tener más contacto con vos. Cortar las cosas drasticamente me hizo bien. O eso pensé.. pero igual duele.

Aunque se que no quiero que nos contactemos, a veces no puedo evitar necesitarte demasiado.
Siempre fuiste tan buena compañia que en estos momentos, cuando me caigo, cuando recuerdo cosas que no me ponen bien.. cuando necesito una palabra, un aliento.. no puedo evitar extrañarte. No puedo evitar pensar en vos.

Do I love you? . Of course I do.
I'm trying not to need you and it's been working fine.. till 2 nights ago.
Do I want to move on? Yes.
And I will move on, I am moving on.. little by little.

It's funny though, I'm using all the things you taught me LOL suddendly your words sunk in, not with the intention that you meant them for, but to move on and get over you.

I'm snapping out, I'm turning the switcher on and off. I'm trying to remind myself everyday that life is beautiful and I am the luckiest person on earth to still be on this ground. I'm using baby steps to get me through things, baby steps to evolution baby! . I will not allow myself to be down. Not for you, not for anybody. If you're not right next to me, then you don't deserve it.

aburrida

2010-01-14T05:16:00.002-03:00

Y me sorprendo a mi misma cada día XD

Evidentemente el "irme a dormir ni bien llego porque ya no TENGO QUE conectarme al msn si o si" me duró poco.. aunque... ya no estoy en Msn, ni mucho menos dependiente de él.. volvi a mis viejas épocas de horarios cambiados xD solo que ahora puedo bloggear en lugar de estar condicionada a alguien más y lo que esa otra persona quiera hacer..

Solo espero que cuando no tenga nada que hacer, o encuentre algo o me vaya a dormir.. porque sino ahi sí se que lo voy a extrañar al hijo de puta ¬¬

Ya he dado hoy por concluido my cutey lovey dovey girlfriendly blog =) fue! una cagada que no lo puedo cerrar completamente peeeero.. este siempre me gustó mas.. osea, come on! unboringme!! that's a hell of a name xD .. Sin contar que siempre fue mucho mas popular :P .. Me intriga si alguien anda leyendome por ahi ahora.. el mapa de visitas ya no funca asi que no puedo saber.. a menos que haya comments claro, but i surely don't count with that..

Ahhh y el flaco del laburo... nosé, estoy empezando a creer que es como cualquier otro chabon, obtuvo lo que quiso.. y listo.. no more interest from him! :O .. Una cagada porque la re remo por bastante tiempo.. asi que hacer todo eso para darte un par de veces la verdad me parece re idiota.. más que está bueno, jajajaj tiene onda como para algo mas que un garch and go.. pero bue.. nosé capaz me estoy imaginando cualquiera, ojala! aunque sino.. dudo que me quite el sueño!! XD Yo igual estoy oxidada en relaciones piel a piel asi que me vino bien a como sea :P

Bueno.. en fin, me voy a ver si le encuentro un skin mas copada y con menos historia a este blog (tiene esta desde que estaba depre por tobi mas o menos .. wow le dije tobi :O LOL just like in the old times XD) .. Y a ver si encontramos un nuevo contador de visitas :P

see ya!

The day I found myself again.

2010-01-08T21:54:00.002-03:00

Y me duró tan poco el dolor! :)..

Hablé con la gente que me quiere.. Y puse las cosas en la balanza.. mire mis dos manitos y dije.. Opcion A: Sufrimiento a lo Tobias, "el principio del final, el drama, el siempre voy a estar cuando me necesites aunque me muera por dentro cada vez que te hable, el voy a reincidir porque te amo y soy flor de pelotuda que no me las puedo arreglar sola" .
O en la otra mano el "yo soy mas fuerte que vos y todos ustedes juntos. YO AMO ser independiente y hacer mi vida, ya no tengo que esperar a nadie, puedo sacar el dedo del boton de pausa y apretar play!, puedo dejar de patear chabones que ESTAN ACA, SON TANGIBLES y me quieren.. por ahi no para toda la vida, no para "grow old together", pero Me quieren, y ESTAN.".. Pensé en la 2da mano que estaba mirando.. y me di cuenta que no era tan negra la cosa... de hecho podia seguir agregando cosas a esa mano, que la verdad no me parecian nada mal...

Y hablamos otra vez, y lloré otra vez, y senti mi corazon partirse en pedazos una vez más.. y lo que es peor.. el sabor amargo de ya haber pasado por eso, el gustito conocido del dolor.. no hubo nada nuevo ahí. Excepto por su falta de huevos o interes.. bah en realidad supongo eso tampoco es nuevo solo que yo no lo queria ver. Alguien que esta con vos pero dice que seria igual o capaz mas feliz disfrutando su propia compania, con todas las letras no es alguien para estar conmigo.

Y le dije clarito, "tell me everything you want to tell me now, cuz this is the last time you'll talk to me." esperando que el "the last time" lo hiciera recapacitar y darse cuenta de su propia estupidez.. y a eso que contesta? " I do still love you though" ME CAGO!!!! jajajaja posta, me cago en vos y en tu STILL love you! pfft comprate un par de huevos y despues hablamos :P.. (igual eso no le dije.. )

Le dije, "Ok, then this is it" -"mmm what do you mean ·it·".. -"Yea, I think i'm breaking up with you RIGHTNOW" - " :O :O ARE YOU LEAVING ME???" WTF Pedazo de pelotudo me estas cargando no??? no, si me quedo con vos aunque vos quieras "un tiempo" porque a mi me ENCAAAAAAAAAAANTA desperdiciar el mio seeeeeeeeeeeeee ya! XD (pensamientos en mi cabeza y ganas de acogotarlo fueron esos)..

Y lloré..

Y le dije CHAU! (y obviamente colgue el tel :P)

Y asi fue. Me quedé con el tel en la mano, viendo mis lagrimas caer. Hasta que volvi a mirar mi 2da manito.. y me acordé de las palabras del Panda.. y pensamientos esperanzadores de gente en BA que está .. y cosas que no hacia y ahora ya podia volver a hacer.. inundaron mi mente.. Y dije.. no va a ser tan malo después de todo, al fin y al cabo, capaaaaaaaaz internamente quería hacer esto y no me animaba ni a plantearmelo a mi misma. O capaaaz en 2 dias me caiga la ficha y me quiera morir y los sentimientos que representan mi 1er mano, afloren AGAIN ¬¬..

Me quedé asi un rato y dije FUE. 2nd HAND FOR THE WIN!! :D

Y me puse a hablar con Na por msn para ir a su casa a comer :)

3 dias mas tarde le dije al flaco que venia tirandome onda desde hace meses (y yo me hacia la reverenda idiota) que ahora si podiamos ir a tomar algo,tranqui, free, light, no strings attached :)

Y si después de leer eso pensas que soy una puta o que no me interesaba ni un poco Joe, entonces claramente no ves las cosas desde mi punto de vista. Claramente jamas estuviste esperando que llegue tu novio por casi 3 años.. condicionando tu vida por completo a eso.. y of course mientras esperas hay que ser fiel.. nada de besar a nadie, nada de tener relaciones con nadie.. si fuera por el "nada de abrazar a nadie" (me cago! aprende nuestra cultura y despues hablá! )..

Considerá eso, y después considera alguien tangible, que ves todos los putos dias, y todos los dias te demuestra que le interesas (aunque sea solo fisicamente, no importa) te ve llegar con ojos llorosos, con cara de no dormi una mierda, loca, como sea.. y igual te sigue tirando onda y haciendo acto de presencia.. Te habla y te mira fijo a los ojos.. te da un beso en el cachete y sabes que no apunta al cachete.. at all..

Y lo que es peor.. esa persona que siempre te gustó, aunque sea por el simple gesto de no rendirse aunque no le des ni la hora.. ahora YA NO TENES EXCUSAS para rechazarlo, ya no hay un " no puedo , tengo novio" ya no hay un mas nada de nada.. Lo mirás otra vez y que pensas? "La verdad chabon, siempre me gustaste.. y siempre estuviste ahi al pie, asi que por que no? " Nada te detiene.. si lo pensas.. queres arrancar de nuevo? sin caer en el hueco? que mejor idea que asi?

So.. beers time? Y dale que va :)

Volviendo a vivir!

2009-12-15T06:15:00.002-03:00

Y aca estoy otra vez, nosé ni por donde empezar..
No me lo vi venir, y me esta volviendo a pasar, el principio del final.. el dolor, el inmenso dolor que no puedo dejar de sentir que no puedo ocultar , que no puedo negar ni compartir con nadie mas

Como es que no me di cuenta, como es que pense que por una vez todo iba a salir bien, que realmente decias lo que sentias. Te creo, siempre te crei, aun cuando por miedo no quise hacerlo.
Me duele tanto pero tanto, que no lo puedo contener

Entry 49: 2009 Goals

2009-01-08T15:05:00.004-02:00

Hello Everybody!

It's been a long time, but here I am again.. with the goals of the year.. just like last year :P

Life kept me away from posting and I don't know how frecuent I'm going to be here since I just use this as an escape, to say things I can't or don't want to say face to face or whatever.

There have been no written rants lately since I'm having the luck to have someone around to take them all without me having to blog about them.. so that's good :)

Also, I've been less inspired by words and more inspired by pictures.. I'm thinking I might want to be a photographer as another hobby of mine.. you know.. like i have so much spare time LOL.. seriously.. Hopefully I'm gonna get me a kick ass camera by March or so.. so I'm excited :D..

Anyways, Goals of 2009.. recent ones.. so it's more like.. Goals for January really :P

---
Back to the Beginning:

- It's time to go back to the very beginning. Lose some pounds by exercising, feel the sweet sweat of trying hard to conquer the steps.

- Eat healthy and be energetic

- It's time to meet with myself once again and enjoy myself the way I used to.

- Grab my old point shoes and do some pirouettes; have the will to stand against the hot weather and get to a classroom.

- Remember myself, the way I am, and all the things I'm capable of.

- Understand that growing up doesn't have to mean leaving the best things behind.

- Learn that you can always Learn a little bit more.

It's time for the BIG changes.. so let them come!

Entry nº 47 . The best new chapter of my life.. One year and going for more

2008-06-27T04:33:00.004-03:00

One Year,
Our first year.

I haven't been this happy ever in my life, i never felt so right ever in my life.
There are so many things i think about i really don't know how to put them in text.. I remember so many things that got us here, and so little things that made us "fight"

Our favorite movie of all things is the one that makes sense the most.I remember the first time i watched it with you.. I always thought the movie itself was bizarre, not much people understand it and not much people appreciate it. I don't know why i thought it would be a good idea to watch it with you, I think deep inside I felt you special already, I was fond of you already.
And i cried with you for the first time, I remember i didn't understand why that was happening to me with you there.. but also I remember something clicked.

I figured, well.. what the movie is all about.. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, not even if someone erases my mind, not even then you could be erased from my heart, not even then i would give up seeking you. So many things are going to happen between you and me, so many good things, who knows how many of the other ones (let's hope that very few.. or none).. Still here we are, and here we will be, holding hands. It's ok to be the way we are, I love you just the way you are. There's absolutely nothing i want you to change about yourself. And that is just "IT" . What will get us through everything.
There's nothing we can't solve, there's nothing we can't work out. Just because we know how much we love each other, we know how much we care about each other, we know how much we want this to work. There's nothing more important for me in my life, than YOU and US.

This is our first year, we learnt how to communicate with each other, we learnt how to walk together.. just like a child in its first year of life.. so many things we have left to know about each other, so many things we have left to live with each other.

I can't wait to smell your scence in the morning when i wake up, I can't wait to roll over and feel the warmness of you being there, I can't wait to hit you when you get dumb and kiss you so you stop ranting. I would love to be living all those "every day situations" with you rightnow..

One year, more than one step closer..
We got to know each other so well it's incredible.. we got to know how we are together, we got to know what we want.. and we work towards it. I move out, next step.. i move out with you :)
We disolved you and me to create US. The best association that could ever exist. The best team of all.

You make me the happiest person on earth, you make me be with my heart on my sleeve everytime i talk to you, everytime i think of you.. you touch me in such a way it amazes me. You have a power in me no one else's have, had or will ever have. I even think of you and me now and feel the tears wanting to come out of my eyes, I'm so in love with you hun i really can't explain. I lack words at this point, I get overwhelmed with emotions. That happens to me everytime i think of us, and what we have and how much i love you.. and how much i need you

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
My heart is blind by you.
I am addicted to you.

You are the one
You are the one for me

I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

You are the one
You are the one for me.

2008-05-15T06:45:00.000-03:00

you're supposed to be there for your friends, as your friends are supposed to be there for you.

And if you have a bad and if i have a bad day.. ever come to think whenever you're having a bad day that the way you say things might affect the people around you?

It's hard to stay calm when things are going down.. it's hard to be cool when you're having a panic attack... but maybe your friend, the one that's always there.. is no one to be blame.. ever come to think of that? ..

Whatever you do.. whatever you say.. might affect to the people that care for you.

Entry nº 45: I miss myself

2008-04-14T04:17:00.002-03:00

I miss myself.

I don't want to express how this feels, because I don't think i want to read what people might have to say about it.

I miss who i was, and it's weird to think that being who i was or being who i am now, there's always something incomplete. one never reaches, it's never enough. No matter what you do there's always something pending to fuck your existence.

I miss that person i used to be, who had energy, who wouldn't depend of anybody more than her own body and her teacher, her best confident. Her best friend, irreplaceable, sacred, to whom she would never let down for simply sleep one hour more.

My only goal... body achievements, technique, stretchiness, roleplay in the stage. My bigger satisfaction.. that sensation.. that adrenalin to which I'm not longer used to. That satisfaction of being one of the best of the class... of not having my body in pain. Of giving my best and a little more.

It's so distressful to see that i no longer am by any means that person i used to be. Life goes on and it transforms you.. I always thought of me as an evolution that time would produce.. that would bring me closer and closer to my goals, to my own being, to my vocation.. However, i find that this "evolution" doesn't do more than take me away, to ask me who i am or what is that i have to do to feel like myself. without holes. without anguishes that don't make any sense. Without that emptiness inside of you no matter what you do.

Rational life, the sanity and the systematization.. oppressing a free spirit oppressing art and the love for it.

I don't accept myself anymore, i don't feel me. I miss me, i left. I want to come back and i don't know how.. and i don't know if i want to.

This is bullshit. I wish i could be a bohemian artist my entire life, I wish i wouldn't care about money instead of thinking of having it, spending it, saving it and fuck on myself for it. Sometimes i think, "customer support".. ohhh yeaaa let's help people and improve the english level.. WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?? and i think ohhh yeaaa humanitarian girl.. nice.. yea yea.. riiiight.. like if that's gonna make me happy, like if having an organized life and knowing you're gonna make it to the end of the month.. or that you' ld be able to buy those clothes you want to buy is gonna make you happy.. is going to fill you, it's going to let you express.. OH MY GOD! I think i am two different people that don't estimate or like one to each other.

I miss my un-frustrated version.. the one that had goals, and chased them and fought for them with illusion. My illusionated me.. the one that hadn't heard the words "you have technique but you're too old to make it to a regular student in the Colon theatre and your legs are too fat for what we're looking for" or.. "she doesn't have a good feet, that's why she didn't make it here"

The one that used to debate all her teachers that would say she would get nowhere.. just thinking that we can all achieve what we want if we want it hard enough.. the one that knew that she would never be a frustrated person.. and now.. looking back to everything.. wonders..

I'm tired,very tired, tired of myself. Tired of my routine, even tired of being tired. This doesn't attempt or attempted to be something like "ohhh drama drama gimme your words of comfort" just a simple venting rant.. and yes yes, it works. i feel lighter now.. :) i wish i could do this until i float...

Ohh.. the picture.. My friend Ivana.. my lovely and adored dance teacher JB and me.. around 2003 when we went to a province here to a dancing contest :) i didn't win but they did.. anyway it was a pleasure :) it was a pleasure in general to have that life.. it's just in moments like these that i get an i dunno what that makes me wonder if it's a pleasure or not to have THIS life.
.

Anyhow.. I love my friends. from work and from everything.. they make me smile and smile more every day :) I cherish their company and i thank i have them to count on.

[+]

entry nº 44 : .........

2008-03-02T05:11:00.007-02:00

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what Id be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what Id be without you.

Oh god give me strenght to go through this and what comes next.

Wash my tears away..

Ok time to play! :)

2008-02-29T05:14:00.002-02:00

Rules:

-To upload a picture of you
-Choose a band,group or singer
-Answer only with song titles

Counting Crows

1. Are you a man or a woman?
I wish i was a girl

2. Describe yourself:
Accidentally in love

3. What do people feel about you?:
She don't want nobody Near

4. How would you describe your past relationship?:
A Murder of one

5. Describe your actual relationship:
PERFECT blue buildings

6. Where would you like to be rightnow?:
Holiday In Spain

7. How are you regarding love? :
If i could give all my love (... ;))

8. How is your life?:
A Long December

9. If you only had one wish, what would you ask for?:
Diamonds,Babies and cars (XD)

10. A phrase:
Why should you come when i call?

XD

Funny huh?..

I dare whoever reads to try it :P

entry nª 42 : Ho Ho Ho! new year came to town!

2008-02-04T02:16:00.000-02:00

Ho ho ho! this is a new year :)
it's 2008! i let this blog a bit aside, but not for long :) .. i gotta go back to my daily post, though i no longer know if that makes me good or not.
Usually it happens that my brain just starts shooting words and i end up pretty tired or overwhelmed with my own thoughts when i finish writing. I do my katarsis but at the same time i start a chain of thoughts that is then hard to stop till i just force myself to think of something else or do something else to keep my mind busy and away from me.

This 2008 is going to be a year of great changes for me.. as in the pic.. snoopy me is gonna get a place for itself this year :) hopefully something nice.. hopefully mr little woodstock will join me later on :) keep your fingers crossed XD .. still the idea of living along enchantes me :) I am rather anxious and happy about it.. though of course the unknown imprevists are going to have me nervous from here to the day i move out :P

As in more recent plans..

My birthday is in 5 days :) and i'm gonna celebrate a lot :).. friday night out with my friends.. saturday probably going to see a musical at a theatre.. sunday i don't know but most likely shopping, monday morning leaving for my one week holiday paradise .. beach.. friends.. fancy hotel.. a year of hard work finally paying off :)

After this.. my real year begins.. trying to get a promotion at work so i can economically sustent myself living along, this will make me work 9 hours a day =/.. trying to catch up with university .. I still don't know how i'm gonna manage to do all this plus have time to talk to the people i care, plus take a quite big english exam.. plus go out plus don't go nuts in the attempt of doing all these things :P

year of changes.. year of staying active, year of doing tooooooooons of things.. and put my brain into action again..i'm excited and tired in advance..

1st aim of the year..

Get tanned

:)

entry nº 41: meh

2007-12-27T21:36:00.000-03:00

yeap we reached the entry nº 41...
on the thursday 27 of december of 2007
i just have to say.. that i feel awfull =/ I feel sad, i wanna cry... i could say i dont exactly know why.... but i do..and it's just a "ohhhhhh here we go again" story that i don't even know if i wanna go through it again.. meh... just noticing how ppl around me have their lives all figured it out and how i'm still here.. well all that crap.. nothing new, unfortunatelly..

i think i need to do something.. to like.. let my energy go somehow.. to like release energy, think less, feel better.. i dunno.. prolly this is also caused by being home too much and doing nothing but watching tv and housekeeping cuz all my friends are unluckily busy rightnow and the weather is not helping meh..

i'm out of here.. i would express myself better.. but i have no time.. i gotta go back home.. and i don't want to.. i feel trapped there... i feel.........small, little.. i feel like i don't know.. like if i went back on time but i'm not the same anymore.. they're all the same but me.. kinda nightmare feeling..

can't wait to take a holiday alone ..
can't wait to take a holiday with my special someone.. <3

*i need a time out..

entry nº 40-- what the fuck dude??

2007-12-20T04:14:00.000-03:00

Ok, yea.. i admit it's my period that gets me all weird..... but damn man! you promise something.. but then i come back home.. and you're sleeping ¬¬ you pretty much said " to the hell with our spending time together!" huh? that aint right... i mean yea, i get you're tired, i'm even more tired than you are.. i was answering phones for 6 freaking hours.. taking care of idiotic americans asking idiotic questions about how to make a fucking xbox work.. plus the headache, plus the fucking fake hetero -not trustable supervisor i have now.. plus.. having to sit away from my friends cuz eeeeeeeeverything was full.. and more and more and more crap.. i'm asked to go out and i say no, cuz i feel crappy and cuz i know you're waiting for me home......... all that to come back home.. not to find you there.. and then realize.. you're already sleeping.. wth man! what don't you just..... i dunno grrrrrrrrrrrr do something! "is something wrong?" LOL! yea..... i mean...... no.. lol what am i supposed to say? i understand you're tired.. but man you just blew my whole ideal away like......... i went through my work day just cuz i was looking forward to our time together when my shift would finish but theeeeeeeeeeeeen.. nop you cancelled the plans without telling me about it .. =/ and i feel all crappy and moody and needy and you....... you're SLEEPING??!

why don't you just shot me huh??

so much for some time together huh?

this day sucks.

.

entry nº 39 - Myself and I.

2007-12-02T03:59:00.000-03:00

Myself and I:

Me and myself are such a goof couple!, we play around, jump around, make people laugh.. have so much fun..
Me and myself like to think completely opposite all the time, we like to disagree? Or better say, we like to think different from one another, so we have both something to think about. And that something is the other's point of view. I usually don't agree with myself.. but that's fine, cuz i accept myself in the way i am. And when i think of myself.. i think of me.
Yea maybe I have a big ego and I keep that from myself. In any way, it doesn't really matter..

Sometimes I drive myself crazy by thinking too much.. or feeling too much.. I feel overwhelmed, and it reflexs in my own being.. I don't understand myself some other times..

Myself and I, are learning how to get along.. because deep inside we both know.. that we need each other to the point of not being able to go on without the other. We are essential for one another.. and so eventhough we like to think we're our own individual..we both know that we're just one thing.. just one Whole person.

:)

entry nº 38 - places

2007-11-28T16:18:00.000-03:00

Even when you're gone, i still carry on.. and so a hanson' song says..

And here i am again, nothing has changed but i'm happy with myself. and with the person i'm with. I'm proud of myself rightnow, i think this repetition came up with the variations to actually make it work this time.
People wonder why, and it just makes sense to me. I think i'm different, though i'm just like everybody else, i feel different i feel.. i dunno it's like, if i was always supposed to belong somewhere else. Whatever i find around me, nearby, doesn't really fill me, doesn't really make me feel complete as what i have now. I don't know, probably all that i'm saying doesn't really make sense and i am the only one that somehow find it meaningfull.. cuz i know myself enough to understand what i'm trying to say. LOL

All i know is, that i'm like a feather, being taken by the wind.. changing places, discovering new things as i come along.. letting myself go with the flow.. never attached to anything that tight.. able to let it go and go on my trip.. All the things i really hold on to, are the things I can take with me. My love for my dance, my dance itself. My memories.. my feelings.. and the love for the people that care for me.

This feather needs a last fly,before staying in one place for ever. Now it's my time to wait for that last dance before i stand still in one place. Weird huh? the way i always saw myself.. was, never in one place.. always in different places, temporarily, till i could get somewhere else. Now i realise that i don't need to know all the places in the world, it would be nice though.. but there's no need. I can stay in just one place with the person I want to. Who is becoming my world, so i don't really need anything or anyone else.

the year is starting to end and i'm starting to look at it in retrospective.. In a lot of things i think i have improved, i think i grew up. In some others i find myself in the same place i was before.. but this time.. as i was saying before, the place is the same but it has improved itself.. so it's basically the same, but it's not the same. It's the brightest side of the same place..
It's the version of the place that IS indeed going to work out.. cuz we both go the same way.. and i learnt from my mistakes..we're in the same boat.. going in the same direction.. and that makes this place.. the best place to be. for now..

Until we land..

:)

Entry nº 37 - free asociation..

2007-11-19T18:32:00.000-03:00

love, hate, contradiction, loneliness. lust. miracle, misery. waiting. tired. anxious, feeling. crying inside. here. always. for anyother but myself. look, watch , observe. die. crash. LOVE. lack of love. friends. confusion. ambiguos. steal, stolen heart. superficiality. lazyness...

I don't wanna wait for ever.
i want everything rightnow.
is it wrong?
i guess not..
and if i wait?
what if nothing changes?
what if i don't want it to change
we're slaves of our own thoughts
slaves of our own desires.
slaves of our own ambitions.
SLAVES.

I'm tied to this.
are you?
i hate being alone
but i pursue it
i find the way of ending up alone.

a brainwash
that's what i want.
so i can be happy
and content with less..
erase what makes me complicated, please.
make me normal

normal?
who is normal?
define normal...
ordinary, common, regular, standard, flat.
am i normal?
is any body normal?

FUCK

Entry nº 36 : In the process...

2007-11-18T18:19:00.001-03:00

Something, you have something i can't resist.. when i look into your eyes i say to me.. that god does exist. you make me believe,you make me believe.

It's supposed not to matter in what i believe and in what i don't, you're supposed to take me the way I am. You're not supposed to want to change me. I'm supposed to change on my own, if it happens.

This happen in a process, everything should happen smoothly without any pressures, without no one expecting anything from the other person. It should just happen. as when you fall in love. You don't plan it, it just happens. You share experiences, you think alike (or not) little by little you start caring for that person, till one day, you realize you're in love. You just have that feeling in you. you didn't plan it, you might as well fight against it, but it's still gonna be there. And it's gonna stay there, unless you find something in the other person, that dislikes you enough to make it go away... But, it's unlikely to be up to you. it's up to that person and the way he/she acts. Either to feed your love.. or to destroy it.

Same happens with changes.. they happen. and that's the way it should be. I realize by now that there are some differences that we either change or are gonna end up killing us. but.. i don't expect you to change because i'm asking you. i'm in fact NOT ASKING YOU. NOT DEMANDING YOU. I am.. accepting you just by the way you are. And if in the process, if while being together these changes happen, then fine.. If they don't then i'll just accept that and like you even with the biggest differences.. Because i'm not here to make you change. I like you the way you are. either way i wouldn't have even made it this far. I wouldn't even put my eyes on you if i was not ready to accept you.

And if i happen not to like something about you, and not be able to accept it nor deal with it.. i might as well leave you. that's the way it goes.

I don't want you to try to change me. If i change.. i'll do it for me, and at my own time.. not by the pressure of you wanting me to change. I don't want to feel that you're with me just to make me be something i'm not. There are some things that i'm just never gonna change, things that make ME be ME.. and you either take them the way they are or go find someone else.

Entry nº 35 : Words...

2007-11-14T04:54:00.001-03:00

And I heart you, and honestly.. i think i love you. I think i do. But i'm tired of loving. and not being loved. Life just goes by and i'm here watching you and watching me. wondering what we mean and what we just say. blablablabla that's what words are.. to some extent WORDS and nothing more. what do they mean? nothing.. nothing at all unless we make them meaningful but what if you don't ? and what if I don't? I know you mean well.. you know i do too.. Maybe it's just the way i am. complicated, intricated with fears, selfishness. desires, and hopes.. dreams, unreachable dreams.. of a not so lonely life.. i gotta move on, because i see.. this is just gonna cause me pain.. and if it doesn't then maybe i'll get surprised, I hope so.. but.. do i actually believe so? I'm finding hard to believe anything that implies me doing nothing.. anything i can0t control anything where i would just need to wait, sit

sit down and see what goes on. I need the power. i need the control. i need to know..TO MAKE SURE. i need to predict..

I need

i need

Someone to share my life with,, and not be afraid of anything anymore. that's ALL, that's EVERYTHING. Please tell me i can stop worrying.. TELL ME YOU'LL GIVE ME THAT AND MORE.. MUCH MORE

entry nº 34- I promise not to hurt you-

2007-10-24T17:37:00.000-03:00

Call me dumb, but i've made up my mind. No one else but you. No one else.
For you I cry, for you i feel. for you i wish i could stay awake all night and feel your feet playing around with mine. You make me feel this marvelous ways, and i realise, that i just want to be with you. You and you. No one else around but you.
I'll pretend to hug you until you get here.
I'll pretend to kiss you until you get here.
I'll grow my love for you until you get here.

In the meanwhile we're just this, two happy persons, keeping company of each other. Understanding each other, caring for each other , having a laugh together and feeling fortunate and unfortunate at the same time.

entry nº 33- Ok, let's vent!

2007-09-29T06:39:00.000-03:00

Ok. I'm gonna be completely honest, i'm drunk rightnow. I didn't drink that much (or maybe i did) but the combination killed me. I feel like puking, but i actually can't, i don't hear a shit, cuz the music at the disco was so high.. now my ears are numbed. I'm confused, i try to think straight, and i just can't. I'm trying to sober up with a bottle of water here.. but system feels as if it can't take anything anymore.

I don't know if i sometime said in here that i have the theory that either nothing happens to you or it happens all together.. but indeed that is what is going on in my life rightnow.

Let me fill you in so you can understand and maybe i can figure myself out a little bit.

1: Joe,.. guy i really like (if only he didn't do weed though =/ ) and with whom i enjoy to talk and get to feel things.. but still lives way too far away and i still promised myself not to ever put me into that situation again. Guy that when gets action, tells me about it cuz he feels like he's cheating on me. Thou, we're nothing but friends.. though i know that if it was for him.. that would be completely different.. but if he was here also.. it would be completely different. Sometimes I feel like an idiot walking the same damn path that once failed ,when i look at us from the outside. but still, no one makes me laugh and smile like he does. I fear i'll hurt him whenever i put my feet on the ground and make my choice..

2: Marce, .. guy i watch from the distance.. i talked about him in this blog many many times without giving a name. Guy who used to hit on me, back to when i was way too worried about doing my job properly ( i mean xbox support) and had no time, nor brains to hit on him back or to realize he was hitting on me in a light, kinda innocent way.. till i noticed.. I started hitting on him back.. I thought he was noticing it but he was doing nothing out of shyness or insecurity or just being weird and mysterious in the way i like.. Guy i could never really figure out i guess that until tonight.. but still " I guess".. Guy i was always into but i never really knew why.. i can't stop staring at his lips while he talks.. mmmmm..i find him extremely interesting.

3: Marcus.. best friend of Marce (one of them) guy that without saying anything, showed me that he completely FELL IN LOVE with me. Thing that freaks me out, and makes me feel like a bitch. Because, i never liked him in that way. I threat him nice, because he's a man of gold. He could be the man every smart woman could ask for, but i just don't like him. I can't see me with him, seeing him... doesn't turn me on.. i can not picture me kissing him, nothing. nothing at all.And i feel awfull, because he wasn't open enough to let me tell him no.. and apologize if i ever gave him the wrong hints.. and because i notice (and i know how this sounds but it's the truth) that with every thing i do.. with every gesture i unconsciously make.. he falls more and more for me. And i can't help it.. because even avoiding him.. the guy looks at me and practically dies.. and i just feel nothing when i look at him. -Apart from feeling like an idiot because i know if i put my eyes on him i would have like a very good man that would be with me through everything - but i can't change that.. i feel nothing. and i can't force myself to feel something i don't.

4: Patrick.. what to say? he just put himself in the picture tonight..mmm let me put it from a girly point of view: BLACK. - amazingly good looking -outgoing -funny -confident -knows how to dance. and apparently knows his shit about how to get a girl.

Just that.. the guy has been trying to flirt with me since day 1. The only guy in the floor (work) that speaks only english (he's from the caribeann.. -yaa... more drooling! :P ) and i took it as every other foreigner regarding argentinian girls.. just another player..Probably he is, and i'm right.. Today he let me know he changed his shift.. now we're on the same shift. He spent all his shift flirting in a very obvious way with me..a bit with my friend.. i laughed, i took it as just fooling around, call center code, i thought "he just flirts with everybody cuz he knows he's damn hot". We all went out.. he started turning to my side.. I was like.. with Marcus never leaving me alone (¬¬)..; checking up on Marce who like.. dissapeared a couple of times (¬¬) and noticing how Patrick wanted to be all over me (and obviously thinking.. "god, he's hot!" LOL ) He tried to get me drunk..then i told him not to.. he stopped (but i was already a bit drunk) it's hard to say no to someone you look and from every point of view, eventhough you don't really know him at all , you'll do him. Completely... ahhhh black guys just get me! I guess also cuz he reminds me of Tobias (physically only) and because guys talking in english.. or americans trying to speak spanish.. turn me on =) (wow this is all a confession right here) . Anyway.. all my girls.. envying me, telling me to go for it, all the guys.. trying to help Patrick out (though he helps himself up very well ) me thinking.. "honestly. the guy i like, as a person, as a whole.. is Marce.. Marce is here.. if i do something with Patrick (which i would like, and i could) i'm gonna screw things up even more with Marce and i'm just gonna lose my chance with him.. who.. after all, is the one i always genuinly liked. Not to fool around, but to have something real"
So i did nothing.. i let him know i could.. but i wouldn't at this time.. (cuz as we say here.. i don't wanna be "without the bread and without the cake" )

So............ conclusion .. (yea, i sobered up and i got tired of explaining.. ) I did nothing with no one. Marce always wanted me to hook up with Marcus and i never knew it.. I was obvious and practically told Marce i was always "with" him.. he didn't get it at all.. I called him dumb.. "Marce you're cool. but you're really dumb, i honestly thought you were smarter than this".. he didn't get it anyway.. My supervisor is like an old lady trying to know every single thing that goes on and knows already that Marcus wants something with me.. helped Patrick get on my way..and this is just so full of crap.. it's hard to keep my reputation up so people don't think i'm a hooker or something like that... and try to hook me up with everybody that's into me (wow i never felt so pretty :P or wanted.. or whatever.. i think me is not me anymore.. maybe is the hair color? :P )

AAAAAAAAAAAAAnd.. tomorrow is my best friend bday party.. and we had planned.. she to put the guy she likes against the wall so he would stop being such a hysteric with her.. my other friend to present her new bf to the call center society.. and Me to be all "wow" deadly good looking and try to define things between me and Marce..of course now i don't know where's all that gonna go.. I think the plan failed before even starting.. i guess i'll give it a try anyway.. i don't really have me much faith now that he told me he saw me with Marcus when all i've done was showing him i like him..

In the other hand..Patrick wants to talk to me (bah.. the guy just wants whatever with me, till he gets in my pants.. i know this.. ) and i told him.. ok.. we'll talk later.. and i guess i'll define if i should either give up on Marce or not.. and then when i make up my mind.. go for Patrick if he's discrete enough not to tell the whole call center and not ruin my reputation there..
Ohhhh what a mess!! see? either nothing happens to you.. or everything does.. I'm just.. clueless rightnow.. i woud like to summarize.. but i don't know how.. I'm reaching hysteria.. and about to freak out and be like hey Marce! I liked you all along and though this is gonna screw our friendship.. you're an idiot for not seeing it, and you're even more idiotic for dating that lesbian girl of yours that by the way.. cheats on you with her ex girlfriend.. Hey Patrick! I'll do you though i know.. later on .. you're gonna fuck the whole female population on the call center.. though i could still do you just to make aaaaaaaaaaaall the other girls envy me for being the first (?)

And.. Marcus.. what can i say? I'll introduce you to a really dear friend so you can make her happy, be happy yourself.. and not be glued to me anymore..

entry nº 32 - Solitude

2007-09-27T17:42:00.000-03:00

New skin :)

entry nº 32: The solitude..

How to describe it? I would say .. loneliness? but not quite so..
For me, solitude is being different. Loneliness, i have experimented and describe as , feeling completely alone. Not only physically but in mind. Having no one to think about, no one to feel for.. just nothing. nothing around you, above you or below you.

Solitude, i'm taking it as, this feeling i have whenever i'm alone.. of being actually withOUT someone. Like if someone should have to be where the emptyness is. Feeling for someone that aint there, or for someone that is to come. But is not coming yet.

Something strange happened to me the other night, that brought all this kind of thoughts to my mind..
Night out to play pool with my friends.. we were a bunch, among them..this guy i watch in the distance.. We played pool and it was fun.. =)

One moment i look around to find, this guy sitting on the border of a pool table, alone, and away from everybody else. Staring at the floor. That hit me with this word. "Solitude"
I imagined a little boy, sitting in a roof, legs hanging, looking above and wondering why.Unconscounsly wishing for someone to appear and sit next to him, to make him feel less alone. -Of course i went and sat next to my friend in the pool table, we had our 15 minutes of silence.. -

ahhh.. sometimes it's such a thrill that i can't seem to figure him out! And some other times i just hate that fact .. lol ironic huh ?

entry nº 31 - Clem & Joel <3

2007-09-24T00:00:00.000-03:00

Clementine and Joel.
Sometimes I wanna be Clementine (though she's a lot more fucked up than i am) .. This is by far, my favorite movie. The other day i watched this with someone.. in simultaneous.. And i can say it was one of the best thing we could have ever done together xD

Sometimes I wonder.. if i can have something that strong.. that nothing, absolutely nothing could erase it from me. I think i had it, but still i wonder how real it was. True love lats forever they say.. (?)

And i don't know what to think anymore.

I just pray for that feeling of

"I never felt like this before, Clem, and i'm happy. I'm just exactly where i want to be. "

entry nº 30 - Take me baby, or leave me!

2007-09-15T11:17:00.000-03:00

Every single day, I walk down the street I hear people say, "Baby's so sweet" Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me, Boys - girls, I can't help it baby So be kind, and don't lose your mind Just remember that I'm your baby Take me for what I am Who I was meant to be And if you give a damn Take me baby or leave me Take me baby or leave me A tiger in a cage can never see the sun This diva needs her stage, Baby - let's have fun! You are the one I choose Folks would kill to fill your shoes You love the limelight too, now baby So be mine but don't waste my time Cryin' - "O' Honeybear - are you still my my my baby?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll be there and i'll cover you!

Standing in the rain, i watch you in the distance, and i wander in my mind.
Words come out of your mouth but i have no idea of what you say.
A glance at your eyes, and i'm lost.
Lost in my mind,
lost in my thoughts,
is it real?
are you thinking what i think you're thinking?
am i crazy?
am i picturing things?
your red lips, i watch
and i just wonder how it would be,
if you would just say what's on your mind
what's on your heart.

And i wait and await
for the perfect moment to aproach
my tiger i hold, with all my ties
just because i know, that it's not the right time yet.

If i could just know, what really goes on throught your mind....

Sometimes i feel invisible, watching from the distance, without being noticed.
And i wonder if i'm wasting my time.
If i'm just wasting the signals.. or if there are signals back and i'm not reacting to them..

I still can't figure out what i like about you so much..

entry nº 29 - Friends

2007-09-15T11:02:00.000-03:00

Standing in the rain, along with all my friends.

This has been a weekend of friendship. I just find it amazing how something as work enviroment can bring people together like this. I found a group of people with who i have so many things in common it's unbelieveble!
I never feel out of place, or akward at all, I am just myself. And that's ok.

I love all my friends. New friends, old friends, far away friends, confidents, and secretive friends.
I love those who i no longer see and i love those who i see 7 times a week. I love the ones that don't even know how much of a friend they are to me. And those who without considering themselves as my friends, act like the bestest buddy on earth and stand right by me when i need them.

I believe friendship is the greatest thing. You can lack love, but if you have friends, you'll never feel lonely.

entry nº 28- Stop! ><

2007-09-10T02:59:00.000-03:00

Stop.

Just stop!

Stop looking for me, stop!
Stop showing that you care.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone once and for all.
I need you? I was fine! I don't need you, but don't tempt me.
I ask you not to
not to play again,
unbearable pain i don't want to remember.
I was fine
I was fine
I am fine.
I don't need this, not again!
I don't need you anymore.
I love you, i do
you know it and i know it
but there's no point on holding onto that
It's pointless, the mere contact is.

So why don't you leave it?
so why don't I leave it?
I don't want it no more.

Everytime i think i'm free
you try to sneak your way back in.
Just leave me alone once and for all!!

I sound pissed, and i am
because everytime i try to move on,
something like this happens
and screws everything up.

But i'm saying, period.
NO MORE.

NO MORE.

entry nº 27 - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yea!

2007-09-07T16:47:00.000-03:00

Say whaaat?? jajajjajaaja Spring Spring! Black and pink! Flowers all around! From now on.. or as long as my mood goes.. all pics photoshopped by MEEEEEEEE!!!! xD I feel like a pinky silly bean jumping and beaming all around! Yay! xD

entry nº 26 - obsessed?

2007-09-01T21:22:00.000-03:00

Saturday evening -night.. the first one in a month that i have for me and me only. To do nothing.. no need to dress up, no need to rush anywhere. Just fading here, not carin about time or bout what i should do.. Playing chilly music, enjoying the quiet.

That's how i am rightnow, and i gotta say.. it's AWESOME! though i do still feel a bit lonely.. it's absolutely awesome not to have to do anything.. it doesn't happen often

Lollipop!! I'm obsessed with that song! do i have an oral fixation? (take it as not in a completely sexual way) Who knows?

Lips,
lips and kisses
wetness
and sugarness
lovely tendernes, i wonder where you are
i wonder when you'll come back
biting..

biting gently ,
sweet lollipop..

sweet

adorable and sweet..

I know it makes no sense, to everybody else but me.
Or maybe not even to me..
but to someone it might..

Lollipop! (this says it all)

Hey, what's the big idea?

Yo Mika.

I said,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
I said,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down.

Sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down.
Say love, say love,
or love's gonna get you down.
say love, say love,
or love's gonna get you down.

I went walking in with my mama one day,
when she warn me what people say,
live your life until love is found,
'cause love's gonna get you down.
Take a look at the girl next door,
she's a player and a down right whore,
Jesus slows up, she wants more,
oh bad girls get you down.

Singing,
Sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down.
Say love, say love,
or love's gonna get you down.
say love, say love,
or love's gonna get you down.

Mama told me what I should know,
too much candy gonna ride your soul,
if she loves you, let her go,
'cause love only gets you down.
Take a look at the boy like me,
never stood on my own two feet,
now I'm blue, as I can be,
oh love couldn't get me down.

Singing,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down.
Say love, say love,
or love's gonna get you down.
say love, say love,
or love's gonna get you down.

I went walking with my mama one day,
when she warn me what people say,
live your life until love is found,
or love's gonna get you down.

Singing,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down.
Say love (say love), say love (say love),
or love's gonna get you down.
say love (say love), say love (say love),
or love's gonna get you down.

Mama told me what I should know,
too much candy gonna ride your soul,
if she loves you, let her go,
'cause love only gets you down.

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh, lollipop.
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh, lollipop.

Sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
say,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down

Mika!

entry nº 25 - lonely people

2007-08-31T03:38:00.000-03:00

Yea, I feel kind of lonely rightnow.. Must be the music i'm playing.. must be the fact that there's no one really around me at this exact moment..

Just googling this feeling, i found this.. that i thought i would share because, well i like the pic, i like what it says, and i think it's touching. I hope it gets readable..

And as this isn't mine, here's the link from where i got it..
http://www.elfwood.com/art/n/o/noelleturn/citysong.jpg.html

And that's all for now, i ranted all i had too, i talked all i needed to, i watched people for longer than they realised, i got things they would never imagine, Personalities.. such a thrilling thing to investigate.. mmmm.. it just temptates me to analyse them! The more you get a personality, the more you get the person that wears it, as a whole.

In an awe

i vanish

for the night

brain is out

mind is on stand by

heart is on

no more questions

no more comments..

no more thoughts

feelings are enough..

even when nothing is.

entry nº 24-thoughts

2007-08-30T03:34:00.000-03:00

Songs, songs are in my mind.. I try to think on deep thoughts.. and songs come to my mind.. And hair.. my hair i feel on the sides of my face. I love it when it is this way.. silky, shampoo smelly like, I look at you through the fibers of my hair, i look at you even when you don't look at me. I stare at your lips while you talk, and wonder what goes through your mind. And I wonder what happens in mine.. and i do not know. I do not know, i do not care. But i enjoyed the instant through the fibers of my hair.

entry nº 23 - Get your pompons down!

2007-08-28T17:06:00.000-03:00

Cuz i aint no hollaback girl! LOL well.. i don't even like Gwen thaaat much.. but i'm playing the song rightnow.. and wooooo i feel like dancing around!

Oohh dear sooo much to tell! *goes for her tea* Where to begin? I have slept so little lately that when i crash the bed i think i'm gonna sleep the weekend straight!

I went to my hometown for various reasons.. Mainly.. to dance.. then cuz.. well.. guys from my hometown! Ooooooooooooooooooh *drolls all over the desk*
I got something good, though i don't really think we're gonna re meet. Anyway, i'm not sad or anything, i knew it all along.. so it's good.

I'm in a weird stage, still the wrong people notices me. Or i notice the ones i shouldn't. I feel stuck, i don't really know how to proceed, which is weird.. cuz i always knew like what plan to follow or strategies to use to have whoever to my feet. And now, i don't know if cuz i met DS in such a different way, i lost perspective. Or practice on real life key details.. I dunno... Well, thing is.. i'm in wonderland.. just wandering around and watching everything in a mix of surprise and cunfusion..

I feel quite good though, at least i'm not alone. But the fact of not having something tactible, something sure and i dunno.. visible? if u can put it that way, is bothering me a little bit.

Anyway.. life shall tell..

entry nº 22 - raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanting!

2007-08-09T04:02:00.000-03:00

Hey there ppls!! Almost a month huh? who would have said it??

Ohhhhhhhhhh i'm soo full of crap tonight! Like..work was non-stop today and eww troubleshooting when nothing works as it should ....... sucks big time! And to add more.. there's someone i haven't talk to in days.. gave him a phonecall today... to found out he was busy.. (my fault really.. i forgot he was going out today) aaaand what's more.. talked to him for 5 minutes where he mentioned he called "someone" else lastnight... wtf?! why the hell you didn't call ME?? oO Anyway.. i shouldn't care, i know i'm investing my time in something worthless. I guess i just can't be completely alone nowadays.

And oddities... I'm getting "looks" or whatever you wanna call it.. but they're not working in my favor..

I like a friend.. who confuses me enough to not let me know if he likes me back or not, we're in a group of friends, we work together, and HIS friend.. had let me know,by signals of course, that he's into me.. Aaaaaaand, i let him know that i'm just friendly with him (truth is.. i wouldn't touch the guy ever) but now.. i guess in the middle of all this some messages got lost or something cuz now the guy i DO like.. is like backing out or stepping away or i dunno what the hell really. I assume that he wants to leave the field to his friend.. but.. dude! i like U..not your friend!! I don't know why guys are so retarded really. ¬¬

Ohhhhhh and hearing this annoying woman saying.. "english...... live.. beeeeeeep" one more time........ i swear of god i'm gonna raise my axe and break the phone in 4 as a cake.. or if i hear any other retarded guy to the me:"may have your name please? " dude: "ya my xbox is broken!" DUDE!: i asked for your fucking name!! of course your xbox is broken! that's why your calling! ¬¬

i swear this is like wonderland.. like the bad side of wonderland.. picture wonderland.. and then picture it all going wrong and fucked up and you'll get a day at work in my life.. a wednesday of work.

entry nº 21, i think :P

2007-07-13T01:52:00.000-03:00

I've been playing this song in my mp3 player for weeks now.. and today listening to it again while wandering in this big crowded city.. it kinda sinked in.. it made sense for some odd reason.. No one dumped me, i dumped no one, and i don't want to go back in time..or maybe i do.. i don't know anymore. All i know is.. that it was hella touching! and that's why i'm putting it here.

A Million Days

It's only been a hour since U left me
But it feels like a million days
If Eye had a magic wand
Eye could turn back time
Eye'd never let U go away

Eye didn't have the heart 2 say eye'm sorry
Now eye haven't got a heart at all
Eye could tolerate the pain if eye could talk 2 my best friend
But U won't even call... U won't even call

Eye'm contemplating pulling out my suitcase
And packing everything eye own
Eye didn't back then, but eye do know now
Wherever U r is home

Eye'd crawl on my belly and beg U
But U're so far away
U've only been gone 4 an hour
But it seems like a million days

It's only been a hour since U left me
Eye wish eye had somebody 2 blame
But U're the perfect picture of what love should look like
And eye wanna b U're frame
It's only been a hour
But it feels like a million days

A million days
One hundred thousand million days

Come home, come home baby
Eye can't take this no more
Well, come home baby oh yeah
Baby, eye know eye shouldn't put my faith in heroes
But eye can't c U any other way
It's only been a hour since U left me girl
Feels like a million, feels like a million days

Come on home baby

go on.........

2007-06-28T14:51:00.000-03:00

And yea.. he's like my mind reader lately.. i posted my thoughts about how ironic life is here.. and without knowing that i did so.. he was analysing the song..

and we came to this conclusion.. it's not ironic. the song isn't made of ironic facts but more of unfortunate events. It's not so ironic but more like, not very lucky i guess.. I still think that's the big irony of all.. I mean.. there's obvious something greater than all of us.. kinda moving his strings.. and making the ironies for us..

Ironic- Part 2 -

2007-06-21T03:39:00.000-03:00

Ironic-

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
'Well isn't this nice...'
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out -

-----------

And my days are always great, feed by the company of who's away. Away but close and as long as i deny the fact that this is a repetition I smile, and i laugh and i feel great. "we're right on each other" "where were you all my days?" sentences i already heard, by someone else. Sentences that still mean a lot to me, but then i wonder.. why is it that i live in a circle.
I put my life together in everything but this. I grew up thinking love wasn't the most important thing for me to achieve, that i loved my dance more than any person in the entire world. I grew up with the conviction that either i would marry a dancer that would go touring and dancing with me all over the world, or that i would never marry at all. And here i am now, wondering when i'm gonna settle down. Maybe i owe my present to all the convictions i had in the past.. probably..

Isn't it ironic that from the entire wide world i just happen to like the ones that live so damn far away from me? Platonics.. it's good to have one.. but.. to consider them as real?

So far it's all a game, i play to love you, i play to live with you and we're the coolest couple just because. But.. what part of the game is actually happening? What part of it is real and what part is only and specifically a dream, a game. "I gave up on women since i met you" is that part of the game? Or is just that you're confusing yourself and me.. what starts as a game not always stays a game i guess...

The day you lost interest in everybody else and started paying attention only to me, that's the day i started to freak.

entry nº 20 - Ironic

2007-06-21T03:06:00.000-03:00

do i wear you out?

Well, here i am! I'm having so many questions rightnow!

But... let's make this with some sense and rationality.. because with my own confusion i think we have enough.

Big step, I'm over! I mean, completely. No more drama, no more crying, i'm done with all that. Now i'm just looking ahead, feeling a bit sad when realising how much people changed, and how much he dissapointed me and others around me. But well, harm was done, but i feel healed now. so.. YAY!

Ironic part?
I have a path, i seem to follow it very well, since as soon as i finish with one i start with another. I'm guessing this is a safe way of not feeling alone, without stopping being alone. what a dicotomy huh? I got into thinking that it is me,and not others and i'm scared.

Seems that all that appeals me is all that for one reason or another, usually reasons beyond myself, i can't reach. Goals, people, pretty much everything. Sad, but i'm starting to believe it's true =/

I'm confused in so many levels i can't even begin to explain, Best friend.. best friend only? am i sure? not at all, hell no! Phone calls that make me feel so nervous that even after 6 hours a day of speaking english.. words don't come out of my mouth, and i laugh.. even when there's no joke. I laugh while i blush, i laugh while i picture the person on the other side of the phone, and i like it. Not only like it.. i miss it when i don't have it. and i flirt, in an obvious way. And i freak, because damn it feels sooo good! But on the other hand.. feels like a street i already walked on, feels like a huuuge deja vu. Just that i don't see the harm coming yet. Not that it's not gonna come though..

But what do i do? i feed this.. ><>

entry nº 19 - here i am again-freaking out

2007-05-12T03:24:00.000-03:00

Walking through the same way.. lingering here, wondering when is everything going to fall right into place? I'm getting tired of this. Of my thoughts and desires, of being tied of something no one tied me to.

Of seeing how everything breaks, life is short and i seem to see it pass. Relationships.. everybody has them i just watch them have them in my lonely life. Pain, i take it all without getting anything in return. Is this suppose to be life? just heart breaks, tiers and sorrow? I don't know why i'm being so complicated. Honestly, a part of me expected that after you were gone i would recover myself. that you being gone would be the best healing tool for me. But no, you wont even please me in that one. no, no! Not only you have chicken out on your dream, your "call" but also you don't manage to leave me alone. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you dude, seriously! All i know is that eventhough you don't talk to me anymore.. you show yourself there, where i am. at every time.. and IT'S HURTING ME! you need to stop it! you told me you would leave.. because we don't belong together, because i'm too good to be with you because you don't deserve me and never will. Just because you want an excuse not to be happy (and maybe YOU are my excuse for that) and you want to have something to blame all the miseries of your future life and all the things you plan to do wrong. You told me you would leave. THEN DO SO.Do not stand there.. seeing me, making me pretend i don't. because i DO . And i'm a human being, who still feels!

man i so need someone else rightnow!

entry nº 18 - Crazy

2007-04-11T23:25:00.000-03:00

Well, it's been a while, I know. I also know that everytime i start a blog with that sentence.. the i start using it more and more often ( i mean the sentence, not the blog..lol) anyways..

How am i doing? i just don't know for real. I mean, some things are working perfectly, but there are these thoughts.. stucked in my head. Too much info in the past few days.. and not really much ppl to share them with.

Last weekend completely out of the blue, my parents called me to let me know my dad was moving out that same day to my grandparents house. Other than cold water that was! I didn't know why or how or what happened.. I knew just that. and to add more i had to go to work later on.. so.. meh!
Now yesterday i called them both and found out at least the reason why this happened, and it's just a big mess that i think i don't even want to go through explaining it rightnow.
Worse thing was.. playing strong for both, if not 3 (including my grandma here) just because, i don't know.. i thought that would help them and also i have hard times showing my feelings.

I feel like i'm getting disconnected of everything, this is a year for changes, i noticed it and i'm up to the changes, like.. moving on, forgetting about tobias, getting a real life and not just a virtual one, finding my way, i don't know, a lot of things.. growing up in general. I like the new ppl i'm meeting and the new me that gets along with everybody.. But then i'm also starting to notice like i'm apart from my friends, or they're apart from me cuz i work too much and don't have much time to go meet them and all.. I don't know maybe i'm just halucinating..

Ohh and to add something else.. it's been a month already.. and just yesterday when i found out about my parents, i needed him so much.. i'm glad i didn't go and talk to him though.. i know i gotta be strong, it's gonna pass.. i'll be fine. but i DID/DO miss him lot yesterday =/

meeeh.. when someone is gone, is gone! ><

entry nº 17 - " I don't know what to do with myself"

2007-03-23T00:18:00.000-03:00

yeap.. i heard that line on a song by the white stripes. And it's appicable today.

I'm now listening to this beautiful song from evanescence.. "Hello" and thinking.. it's been 13 days, 13 days since everything "went to waste" eventhough it was wasted already. I don't know if it was a waste of time or a waste of love, but surely it was a waste of pain. And here i find myself today.. going through all conversations, and wondering where did all that go, on the edge of crying at every african american male voice i hear or see. On the edge of crying rightnow, realising how affected i am by it.

My mind so sets me up sometimes! >< I know this is it, i know there's nothing else, no other choice but to end. to conclude and to start over with someone new. I just wish, i so badly wish i wouldn't dream of him calling me in different ways, i wish i wouldn't wake up all of the sudden to come here and see if he said something to me. I wish all that would stop. I wish that whenever i close my eyes i wouldn't see him. the real him. not the jerkest version of himself. I just wish all that were gone.

I know things seem to be getting better, and everybody notices that, but i don't . Maybe it is just me and my mind today.. maybe things ARE indeed getting better and i just can't see it today. But it's just that everytime i think about a happy moment in my life, everytime i remember something about my past.. it's related to him, sharing something with him or feeling something for him or whatever.. And it's getting disturbing, cuz like, i want to focus on someone else, anyone else, i need someone new and simple to come to my life and i think that would save me. But then i realise that I don't have a fresh easy relationship in like, forever, and it freaks me out cuz i see how i wouldn't know how to react or to act even. I know i've learned about patience with him, i mean that i learnt, to be patience and to accept stuff even when i don't agree with it, but still.. was this a real relationship? How am i supposed to find someone new when everytime i close my eyes i still find him there? it's like if he's screaming something at me. And everytime i get across him he's doing so fine that i feel jelous, jelous that he moved on so quickly and mad that he didn't even care.

Did he cry as much as i did? Did he spend so many nights awake just thinking about me? There's simply no way to know.. but i just don't think so. Did he mean all the "I love you", did he? really? Now i just don't know.. now i just think that for him it was a game.. was he the real one or the alter ego? who's the one i should believe? the one that came up with "once i realise what i did i will crumble.." the one that used to miss me, and love me and be so carefull and protective with me.. the one that used to be my knight in the shinny helmet.. Or the one that just doesn't give a fuck about me or everything at all, the one that whore's with whoever is around without even caring, the one that stabs you in the back and goes all smiffy to whoever up to cybersex with him? the one that show his penis around just cuz it's big. the one that just does not think at all..

What's the point really? of asking questions i can not answer? i really can't but the thing is.. and maybe this is cheering in a way.. that he can't either. Just because he doesn't know himself well enough to know the answers. Will he crumble when he realises of his mistake? was it his mistake for leaving me or mine for ever put my eyes on him?

entry nº 16 - just dropping another line

2007-03-12T08:56:00.000-03:00

pla

Here it goes a song that everytime i listen to it.. made me feel.. identify.

One More

I sit here by myself

Just staring into space

I thought I knew you well

Well who can ever say

It seems I've spent so long

I can't define my right from wrong

One more for the night

One more for the pain and

One more, long goodbye

And one shot to the brain

And one more takes the knife

And one more takes the train

Who do I name today

A dream of better days

Was long gone by the way

Is there a better place

Well who can ever say

It seems I've spent so long

I can't define my right from wrong

One more for the night

One more for the pain and

One more, long goodbye

And one shot to the brain

And one more takes the knife

And one more takes the train

Who do I name today

Who do I blame today

Nothing's over 'til it's over

And if it's over I don't

Want to hear it

Look into my eyes I told her

Holding onto what is gone won't heal it

It seems I've spent so long I can't

Define my right from wrong

One more for the night

One more for the pain and

One more, long goodbye

And one shot to the brain

And one more takes the knife

And one more takes the train

Who do I name today

Who do I blame today

By Hanson.

If you don't get it, then i don't know how else to say it.

entry nº 15- to bury my thoughts

2007-03-12T08:03:00.000-03:00

Well.. the title says it all.. I needed a place, a hidden place, where to bury all this thoughts, all this feelings, all that is going on with me lately. Where i could admit exactly how i feel, and let it all go without feeling embarrased.

I knew it was going to happen, i knew it since it started again. I just didn't know how, and i just somehow expected it to be not radical and respectful. But it wasn't. Overnight it happened, and there was nothing that i or any one could do to stop it from happening. And RAGE, rage is the best way of describing how i felt.

Watching the situation with both my feet on the ground, watching my life go by, watching how after all i gave up, after all i suffered, after all i tried, after how comprehensive i was, I got so little. So little that even someone that doesn't know me as he does would have given me more. Little enough to make me feel out of myself in anger, dissapointed from him and from myself for thinking i knew someone when i really never did. I felt played, joked, a piece of crap.

I watch everything in retrospective.. i see myself, and they way i was... all that i did to keep things going, all the nights i cried, all the breakdowns i had and how it changed me. Just a step inside into depression, struggling to stay sane. Ohhhhhhhhh shit! I just don't know what to think anymore! I know i've been through all this before, but i got so tired, i got so fed up of it. Of trying to save a relationship that seems so unsavable! And maybe that was my whole mistake.. maybe this should never happened, maybe he's just the wrong person for me and i held on to something that wasn't try all the way. Maybe i should have listened my brain more than i listened my heart on this one. I don't know.

All that i know is that i am through. There's nothing left for me to do than to move on, there's nothing to bring it back, because i realised that the person i loved is already gone. He's gone since months ago, and i just failed to notice it until now.

What am i burying here? My dissapointness, my sadness, my pain and my love for someone that behaved as such a dick. I don't want all this anymore. I don't want to keep living the frustration of being here but dreaming with being somewhere else. Looking around and wishing this was freaking Kansas.. Oh no! Maybe it's time to get a real person. Someone with GUTS and not just a kid that still wet his pants.

I know this just sounds like an angry email or something, but it's really how i feel rightnow.And YES as i was telling a good friend, i still feel like the biggest idiot on the face of the earth, for buying every line. For believing his tears and doubts. For giving myself to him in the way i did.

ahhhhhhhhhhh! I just don't know.. and i'm so tired of not knowing. I want to move on, i want to break free. I want to remove all this from my head, from my heart. I want this wound to heal and i want to get someone who loves me for real. Someone to whom i can wake up with whenever i want without being attached to a 15 hours flight to do so.. someone that i can see everyday and go on a date, as any other normal girl. Someone mature that would hold my hand and walk me through. That would let me lay my head on his shoulder and share with me my every fear and my every hope.

I guess that i'm tired of being broken.

entry nº 14 - as sweet as it is.. ..

2007-03-04T05:34:00.000-03:00

how much i would like him to say "I love you" how much i would like to hear this words coming out of his mouth again.
I know he loves me, i know he does, i can tell in the way he acts, i just need to hear it from him one more time. I know it's hard and i know how hard it is for him eventhou i'm not sure he knows how hard it is for me.. but.. damn! I so need it rightnow! This blank in here.. this emptyness.. i know he loves me, i can tell he does, i can tell how much he would like to be with me. BUt he's not. And that was his choice, there's still nothing i can do to make that happen and now there's no point cuz he already packed somewhere else, but damn it would have been nice! I mean.. I have another prolly 8 months ahead.. i know, and i don't know how i'm gonna handle all that time in this situation. I think things are gonna break at some point. I see it coming, i see that coming as i see him missing me and trying to figure wheter if go on by his own anyway or if contacting me again.. I see all that and i suffer in advance. I think about how much i'm gonna miss him, and i suffer already. I just wish i was there, as usual. I just wish i could hug him tight and tell him how deeply i love him and how i will always love him.

The sweetest moments i spend with him are the moments i enjoy the most and also the moments i see how different things are gonna be without him. and it's when i think that there will be no one before him. No one will never mean to me what he means to me.. that's just so sad, that the only person i truly love is the one i can not have. Maybe life will turn the table in my favor and i'll get him, not back cuz i don't feel as if i'm losing him.. i know he'll always remember me in some way or another, but that i'll get to be with him after all..

God! i can only hope, i can only pray, i can only wait..

"I'm colorblind, coffe black and egg white, full me out from inside, i am ready i am ready i am ready i am...... fine " "i am covered in skin, no one gets to come in, pure me out from inside,i am folding and unfolding and unfolding i am colorblind, coffe black and egg white, pure me out from inside, i am ready i am ready i am ready i am.. fine.."

entry nº 13 - mmm.. ok..

2007-03-04T03:12:00.000-03:00

Mmm.. so i should write about something and i've run out of subject really. All i can think of, is the same old same shit.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

There! that song should help me keep going with everything . not to breakdown. Be better, Know better.. Be stronger. Overcome whatever .

entry nº 11- melancoholic

2007-02-20T22:52:00.000-03:00

Suddenly all sad, thinking just about everything and nothing. I have many reasons to be happy and still keep finding the ones that make me sad, still get attached to them. Life is weird, and i'm confused, i just don't know which way to go anymore. It's frustrating cuz i know it's not the first time i say this, i know this has become my speech, the path i don't wanna follow but i continue following. I guess it just sucks =/

Waiting in the other side, watching how the show i wanted to see went by and i was outside, my friends were inside and i standing there alone, as always, seeing the lights coming throught the doors, unable to come in. It just made me realise how ok, money doesn't buy happiness, or so they want us to believe. But i just realised how my life would be so happier if i had the money i need. It's like there's been points when i was happy without money, i didn't feel like i needed. But now.. now i just think, i could have been in that show, not that the show actually mathers so much. I could have been on the road, on the plane towards meeting the person i love. the person i want to be with. My whole life could have been the life i dreamt if i just had now (not before, but now) the piece of money i need to make it happen.
And instead of that, i'm here and opportunities are just passing, i'm watching them pass, watching them never come back .............

entry nº 10 -mmm.. oh hell.. oh hell how i hate Valentines day!

2007-02-14T21:45:00.000-03:00

Well, I don't know what to write really, I'm just sitting here thinking in so many things that my brain is overwhelmed. Tomorrow i start to work and i know i should be happy and all but i'm still sad. I just, i think i had too many expectations on this day and none of them happened so, i'm dissapointed mostly .. I wish he was with me to share our day..........

Gaaawd!!! >< it is pointless!! I should focus on more positive things, so i never had a valentin day with anybody so what? i bet i'm not the only one. So i thought he would be with me in this day and he didn't show up, and once he did.. he never even said hi to me ¬¬ that's just fucking mean! I mean .. i don't even get a "Hello"? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? I don't get it .. Sometimes i swear i'm soo fucking sick of it sooo sick!

whatever dude! umplugging my brain RIGHT NOW!

entry nº 9 - mmmmm..ok..

2007-02-13T02:23:00.000-03:00

So.. my birthday went by.. I just gotta say that i'm 22 now and i had great birth-day days ..... more to come.. i promise to myself

entry nº 8 - Day in.. day out

2007-02-06T00:03:00.000-03:00

Feelin' The Same Way
The sun just slipped its note below my door
And I can't hide beneath my sheets
I've read the words before so now I know
The time has come again for me

And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend

Another day that I can't find my head
My feet don't look like they're my own
I'll try and find the floor below to stand
And I hope I reach it once again

And I'm feelin' the same way...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just listened to this song and kind of felt it. I think that's how i feel after all.. with every moment that goes by, with every minute shared.. i don't know until what point is good to still pretend..sometimes i don't know if it's that we pretend or that we just let things untold.. empty spaces, empty gaps that we both know with what to fill .. but still they remain empty.. cuz none of us would dare to fill them in.
Everytime i think about life.. how strange it is, and also how everything seems to full a circle. Sometimes i understand it all, i see the conection.. but some others.. i just can't get why it is so mean.. why things happen? i wish i knew that one answer..

Anyway.. i don't know what to think anymore.. i wish i could stop my brain from thinking sometimes..

God i wish soo many things!!!

*thank god for my dearests friends thou*

entry nº 7- To continue with the previous one..

2007-02-04T02:12:00.000-03:00

Well, first of all... Mira Craig Powns!!! hell yea! this cd rocks! I don't know why i didn't look for it before really!

K, back to the business. Yesterday Feb 2

I woke up with my stomach hurting like hell, I had my job interview so i was afraid i wouldn't make it because of being attached to the toilette. So anyway, i ate little maybe too little, but i was nervous as hell so i didn't realise of it. I went to the interview, it happened that they weren't expecting me =| but... i got the be interviewed anyway!! and I GOT THE JOB! Seems like i'll be a costumers service assistance (in english) for a new videogame console of microsoft. Very well paid and with training included (which saves me cuz i know nothing about videogames) so.. YAY!

Anyway, after that i went to get together with my friends, we had to take the train to go to one of her houses and i guess that it was because it was so damn hot (near to 100F) but i fainted right there in the train platform Oo.. paramedics and stuff, took care of me (eventhou mostly my friends did) i fainted again, i had to be there for like more than an hour so i would feel better and my friends drove me home.

And here i am, with a strict diet so i wont have any more stomach problems, my lip double sized and a few bruses,feeling still a little weird, drinking tons of liquids (like 3 litres) and eating awfull food. But hey! I got the job! ohh.. and sleeping mostly all the time

Anyway.. those are the news of the past 2 days. Oh.. and my boy got really hammered yesterday in his b-day celebration .. i guess that YaY him! (=/)

Peace out bitches!!

entry nº 6- Gosh there's so much to write!!

2007-02-04T01:49:00.000-03:00

From where should i start?? hard to tell huh? too many things happened in the past 2 days.

Well, i guess i'll start from what's oldest, the Movie. So Tobias and a friend told me i should watch that movie "Crash" he recommended it to me and as every recommendation of him is a good one (when comes to movies and music) i watched it at night. The idea is not to tell you what the movie is about, cuz i'm sure you watched it too. But to describe the sensations i had. At the beginning i wasn't sure i was likin' it (another oddity that happens with stuff that he recommends me) but then it got more and more intense and it just, i don't know it clicked in my head. So much that eventhough i wasn't really convinced about the characters, each and every one of them got me in different ways. Somehow they reached my emotions and it was so weird! By the end of the movie i talked to him as he came home from work, and with the last scenes while i was talking to him, i couldn't help crying for the second time. I cried. And i felt all i wanted to tell him at that point while we were discusing art and the movie, all that i wanted to tell him really badly is "I love you" but i knew i couldn't. I know i can't. I know it would be too painfull for him to hear something like that rightnow, no matter how much he may know it. So, i held my breath, and my words and acted the coolest that i could, until i couldn't take it anymore and invented some lame excuse to leave. So.. i don't know.. i needed to exprese this. Am I doing right? Am I doing wrong? I don't know, i'm just trying to think in the best for him.
Once again i think about everybody but myself or what i need, but that's fine.

entry nº 5- Crash

2007-02-03T02:00:00.000-03:00

Weird day yesterday.. i didn't make it to my job interview (got them to give me another one today). That was one thing, the other one was.. at night i watched a movie named "Crash" i'm sure i'll have to watch it again to understand more of it, but it was undescriptible.. k.. maybe more to come tomorrow.. my head still hurts so i'm gonna try to sleep a bit.

today i passed out twice while waiting for the train with my girls, but i got myself what seems to be a cool well-paid job so.. half and half i would say, eventhough my head and lip hurt like crap (yea i brussed my lip when i fell)

so... sayonara!!!!!!

Peace out

entry nº 4 - 21 years ago..

2007-02-01T22:50:00.000-03:00

January the 31st. Yesterday, the person i love the most turned out 21. I said happy birthday to him eventhough i would like to tell him a lot more than just that. 21 years, and about 2 years of knowing each other. My bestest buddy and my bestest lover,my everything, my relationship unlabeled. From friendship to dating, to anger, sadness, frustration and happines we've been through all this and those in the middle i will not name now because i do not dare to remember. Since 2 years from now, my dearest memories and my sadest ones too are related to this guy. Someone who, eventhough a lot of things always divided us, remained the closest to me, reached me as no one else did and made me see that even with a lot of obstacules it is possible to love and to be loved. And that you can prove the other person how much you love him/her without saying the typical "i love you" . 3 words, three words that we did not take easily but our heart couldn't help to express when we felt our love was so unmessurable that it was needed to be said. Our souls were screaming for it. And so it happened. And so it was an ambiguos feeling, it was frustrating how close we felt but how we realised how away in distance we were and are from each other. But also it was the best feeling i had in my entire life. I don't really think nothing or anybody would be able to make me feel something greater than that. Than the sensation, the chills that gives you to hear those 3 words from someone who's meaning it from the bottom of his heart, from someone that by saying these 3 words, is giving you his heart without any hesitation.

A lot of pain came with the joy of having this man in my life, but still i can't stay apart from him and still he's going away.. further that where he is rightnow. Despite all of this, i do not regret my experiences with him, i do not regret the time we spent together and how we spent it. Pure love never ends, and i just want to thank god for bringing this person to me. For bringing this person to the world.

The world needs more of these men, that eventhough they're scared as shit, they would give up absolutely everything to the feeling of helping someone, to do good. Cuz one grain of sand will never be alone, and it will always find the way of reaching others and have the power to do right.

Ok so, i just said happy birthday several times to the guy, but i know i should have said at least a bit of these.. But as if leaving wasn't hard enough.. i wouldn't give the guy a hard time by telling him how much i love him when there's nothing but a feeling of frustration what would come afterwards for both of us.

Once this is said and with nothing further.. i shall now give my mind a break..

Happy Birthday Tobias, I love you unconditionally.

entry nº 3. Hanging out a lot is not always healthy..

2007-01-30T16:42:00.000-03:00

Hating my friends and loving them, that's how i am today. Loving them because of all the funwe have together, because of how they sometimes care about me and the rest and how theylove each other. Hating them because sometimes they have no consideration to us, they show no respect and don't realise how much they hurt us just by hurting one another.. I never thoughtthat being friend of sisters (twins to be exact) would be so problematic, the way they fight witheach other is driving us insane to the point where i wish i could punch them both to shut themup. To make them realise that they are not alone in the world and that we (the rest of myfriends and i) get hurt by seeing them fight like that, that we care about both and do not want totake sides, and that they are complete out of place and ruining the moment for all of us. me. Just seeing how they can't work their issues out as reasonable adult people, bugs the hell out ofBecause, we are there.. we see them both cry on different corners of the street, we see howmuch they love each other no matter how much they spit on each other's faces. And it is veryfew what we can actually do. They talk about being matture, and talk things over to work things out with absolutelyeverybody but they can't sit down and talk about their issues calmly and in private. They haveto mix our friendship with their sister relationship.. it completely and absolutely sucks! come So now, after seeing all my friends for about the entire weekend, pretty much all day long.. i'm sure i don't wanna see them for a while. I don't wanna be caught in a middle of a fight again for a while and i sacrifice all the fun we have together for a couple of days of peace and loneliness hereat home so they can work their problems without us interfering or at least until things getcolder. I still don't understando though how is it that it always happens this way? things alwaysout while we're hanging out together.. it seems intentionally!! I know it is not.. but it justhappens that way every-single-time Ohh well.. this was the entry of the day. If the only person reading is has twin friends.. be aware not to be in the same situation i was. It sucks real bad.

entry nº 2

2007-01-29T14:57:00.000-03:00

January 29, it's 3 pm to be exact and I gotta rush to my friend's house. Honestly, if i didn't feel bad afterwards.. i would stay here lurking a little bit longer. But then i feel i'm doing nothing with my life, i'm absolutely pointless and getting nowhere.

So here i am, singing out loud, still in my pjs.. i switched lunch for coffe and i know that's no good, but you can't ask for less when you wake up at noon i guess. I guess i'll really start it all tomorrow.. eventhough i've said that before.

I never lived one day at a time, until lately, and it's such a strange sensation.. i don't really know if it's working for me. Like, i'm all yuxtaposed, happy at a moment, sad the next one.. Generally i'm fine but.. it's just that i didn't hit the ground yet. And i'm getting scared in advance that when i do, when i hit it, it's gonna hit me so bad that i'll fall again into the dark and god knows how i'm gonna get out of there and overcome it all. People think i'm strong, people indeed think i'm the strongest person, i have to dissagree with that. I guess my guard is the strong one.But when only very few people or sometimes no one at all knows how you really feel.. that's when you feel fake to everybody. Even fake to yourself sometimes. It's a shame though that i feel this way but still think that i can't tell everybody how i really feel, because i know they wouldnt understand. They would probably think i'm a crazy bitch or something.

Anyway.. to light this up, music is indeed a MIND TRICK!! play the right music and you'll be jumping all over the place as if problems do not exist. Isn't it awesome?

entry nº 1:

2007-01-29T04:11:00.000-03:00

Well, the aim of this year: to make an entry by day or so. Just to myself.

It is currently 4 am, i' m officially in monday since 4 hours ago now and i think i'll make this short 'cause to tell the truth.. it took me too long to log in and now my insomnia vanished completely.

Hopefully more interesting thoughts will come tomorrow with the inspiration of a brand new day and its raylights .

Peace out!

Me, myself and I

2006-12-08T23:07:00.000-03:00

1, 2 , 3... PROBANDO...

Bueno, esto está en español y nosé por qué.. yo me habia hecho a la idea de que estaba en inglés... de hecho hacerme a esa idea me gustaba así que nosé. Me gusta mucho escribir en inglés, asi que creo que voy a hacer lo que me pinte.. total, esto es simplemente para mi porque estoy aburrida so.... so... I'll do whatever i want! :PP